Yes... As the name suggests, I almost died today... One slight, tiny slip, it would've been a fatal fall... At that split second, I wasn't scared at all... I was totally lost, disappointed and depressed with the life I'm having...
Do you seriously think I would want to die? Would I choose to die? Of course not... But it's the emotional turbulence that's conquering my soul... Suddenly, I thought of my good friend's advise... Even if I really wanted to die, I should choose the correct way... Or else, I would suffer for the rest of life if I weren't dead...
Ok... So I told myself I would just try one last time... This last is my final try.... I've managed to convince 'It' to go through the session with me together... Seriously, 'It' needs counselling too! 'It' has to bear some of the responsibilities and hopefully, 'It' would get everything off its chest once and for all...
My friend told me that 'It' is afraid of me... And I think she's right... Even 'It' had blurted out a few times...Why? Because I look terrible... Totally bad shape... Also, 'It' has also lost itself although 'It' may not want to admit...
She really opened up my thoughts for a while... 'It' is scared to hurt me again... A coward who is never willing to change and will only live for 'Itself' without considering others... She mentioned that if I can live for myself, change my lifestyle, only then there can be a chance in our relationship... It sounds so easy and plain simple...
However, the question that keep popping in my head is:- "How long can I go on like this?" We agreed to have a session after 'It' has the time... The waiting period may be too long for my injured, sick and hurt soul to cope... I'm just hoping that the appointment can be scheduled to the soonest...
I'm so afraid if it still fails... Yes, I sound pessimistic all the time... But who was the one who had pushed me to the edge of the cliff? Everyone says that no one can hurt you but yourself, but do they realize that not everyone is able to conquer their negative thoughts? Every soul is different... Some may recuperate whereas some may not... And I know I'm more towards death as I can't see any future ahead no matter how hard I tried...
'It' keeps telling me it's not right as I still have my family and friends... I just only wish to tell 'It'... "When a person is suffering from depression, they can neither see nor feel the future... They only cling on to the past and view the present..."
Cheers...
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