Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs

It was on my sister's birthday when I felt extremely gloomy as I thought about why I wasn't given a chance... That very night, I bought Panadols waiting for the right time to leave... My world was shattered, and I couldn't handle my emotions anymore...

After having a scrumptious dinner with my beloved family, I was ready to leave once and for all... With me around, my family and friends will have a hard time giving me advise and I didn't want to burden them anymore...

There were a few unexpected sms from friends and I just told them to take care of themselves... Although I know I can't care for myself, I genuinely wanted them to lead a meaningful life unlike mine...

And again, my good friend managed to pull me away from the goddess of death... And that night, I bursted out the truth to my mom... To my surprise, she forgave me and told me that everyone makes mistakes.. That very moment, I felt relieve for a while...

The next day, 'It' called and say 'It' wanted to meet me after work... For once, I thought I was given a chance.... However, it was worse than a scary nightmare during a fiery thunderstorm...

'It' blurted out that 'It' didn't have any feelings for me anymore and there were many nasty reasons behind it too... I repeatedly asked what was my mistakes but 'It' said that I didn't do anything wrong...

The final blow to my face was when I asked 'It' this question:-

"If we were married and have a child now, would you just leave us behind just because you don't have any feelings for me anymore?"

And 'It' said:-

'Yes... I am just like any other guy!"

As a usual crybaby, I pathetically cried non-stop and almost gone insane... How on earth can someone that I had loved UNCONDITIONALLY uttered those inhumane words!!! On top of it, 'It' insisted that we cannot remain as friends, but agreed after seeing me crying... But deep down inside, I knew 'It' didn't mean it... Till now, 'It' doesn't even bother to sms or call asking how am I doing... Friends?? I don't think so...

'It' even went to my MOM'S OFFICE telling her that I was in bad shape and kept apologizing... 'It' also told my mom that 'It' doesn't want to see me for the rest of 'its' life and that 'It' is no longer my friend...

Okay... How RUDE that was... And my mom and I could still take it... I am suppose to hate 'It' but I can't... 'It' even told me to find someone else, don't ever wait for 'It' to come back cz 'It' doesnt and never will plan to do so.. Besides, 'It' kept saying 'It' isn't a good person...

The ultimate blow was when 'It' said 'It' has lost feelings for me a LONG TIME AGO... But I can't figure it out... How could that be? How can 'It' didn't like me but 'It' still hugged, kissed and treated me well? 'It' kept saying that 'It' was actually giving 'itself' a chance...

Come'n... That's bull shit-ting... Why didn't 'It' tell me in the first place? Why wasn't that properly communicated to me? See what I mean that I wasn't given a chance?

It's 5 months since our seperation...And after 5 years of relationship, I feel that I have totally wasted my time and effort in the relationship... I truly have contributed a lot and loved 'It' UNCONDITIONALLY even though I wasn't appreciated at all... Why again?? Cz I can say I am blindly in love and I don't like changing partners.... Loyal eh??? I was thinking if 'It' were to hit me, I would still love 'It' from the bottom of my heart...

Nevertheless, the unkind words that 'It' uttered demoralized me... It made me feel like a cheapskate whore and a worthless person... No matter how hard I tried to work things out, 'It' didn't want to give our relationship a chance...

I won't regret loving this person... Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt... Now, I am saving all my love and energy to someone that truly deserves it... I still want to UNCONDITONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY love someone in the future... (Only if I have the chance).... This will be my lesson... 'It' had downgraded and humiliated 'Men'.... But I am sure there're still endangered species out there who are nice, loyal and loving...

To anyone who's reading this, no matter whether you are a man or a woman, please don't treat your lovers like shit... Appreciate and value them for what they've done for you... Cz, you wouldn't know what it feels until you have lost them...

I am on the rational side now... It's tough, but I'm trying my best to survive and be positive... After all, I'm saving all my love for someone else... And I will give all my AFFECTION and DEVOTION to my other half (if any in the future) more than that I've contributed to 'It'...

Cheers & Wish me luck...