Being Happy

Nowadays, I'm starting to feel happy and contented with my life.. Why?? Cz there are people who actually care about my well-being.. Family, friends, colleagues and even my boss!!!But overall, there're 2 people in my life that had been giving me LOADS of positive energy & Making my days happy... You should know who you are if you're reading this.. Thank you very much.. Muakkssss..

My colleague, who's also my gym partner told me that I have already upgraded myself from a 'Talapia' fish to something better.. Still thinking of what fish I am right now...LOL...

On the other hand, she insisted that my ex is the 'Talapia' fish and I shouldn't go for freshwater fishes anymore.. Instead, I should be focusing on seawater fishes...HAHAHA.. That made me laugh so much...

Ok...The truth is, finally I can see some light shining at the end of the tunnel... It may not be very bright, but it's definitely getting brighter everyday...And I'm very proud of it... Yes, I can be bored during weekends, have nothing to do etc, but look on the bright side.. I've all the freedom.. Getting to be lazy and the best part is, I can go visit anyone I like and doing things that I like..

For instance, I can run on the treadmill like nobody's business, joining kickboxing classes without worrying to report to anyone again... Also, I don't have to worry about dragging someone who doesn't like to exercise, who doesn't care for his own health and being worried unnecessarily for his health... Honestly, now, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN if my ex partner's cholestrol level shoots up and attacked by a major stroke.. Hehehe...

Besides, I've bumped into one of my long lost friend in Friendster.. So very happy to be able to contact him again.. Hopefully he can forgive me for being a stubborn asshole...

Very nice to finally feel happy again...Not extremely happy la.. Just happy, healthy and contented... Life... Barely even 2 weeks after the "Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs" and I'm okay.. What an achievement... Bravo...

Cheers~~~

Contented

It should had been a great weekend for me as I had companies... A little bit of window shopping and having guests around made my weekend... Supposed to be...

Like yesterday, I finally had the chance to whip up something nice for dinner for my friends; although one of them didn't turn up... It was still great...

However, the back of my mind keeps telling me that it was useless as someone whom I truly love doesn't even want to dine with me anymore... No more tasting his favourite dishes, no more sharing his opinion on my cooking and etc...

As a matter of fact, I realized that my cooking had deteriorate... Why? Because there isn't much love in it... I'm trying so very hard to tell myself that my friends are giving me an opportunity and chance to motivate me again... And that's the most important aspect that I should be looking at.. No whining or fretting about the pathetic issue anymore...

It was great though, just not as great that it should had been... I'm still thinking when can I cook for someone whom I really love, besides my family? Will I have the chance? Or do you think I will never have the chance again? Hmm... Very subjective question...

Something struck me yesterday.... My friend said that we should be happy when we have a loving family even if we do not have much money... Yes, yes... I agree... I have a warm home and nice parents, although at times my dad can be quite irritating... But why do I still feel lonely? Shouldn't I be contented with my life? It isn't that miserable after all...

I feel that there's a missing part in my life..It's small, but it's impact is rather big though... Why? Cz it was once filled up and a leakage is occuring now, causing a bottleneck everywhere else.. Sometimes it goes haywire and sometimes not... Besides, it's a good analogy to describe my ongoing cuckoo emotions...

Anyway, I should be contented... Great family, nice friends and a debt free life (at the moment)...

Cheers...

Emotionally Drained

I'm exteremely exhausted... Tired of being too harsh on myself... At the same time, I can't stop thinking what went wrong at the first place... My friend highlighted that it is not necessary to get into those details... What has happened had already took place and there is no turning back.. True.. I agree with her but still, I can't ask my mind to stop thinking about it..

When I reflect back, I would have made mistakes too... And maybe mistakes that I cannot and will never be able to rectify... Is it wrong to protect and give unconditionally to someone you truly love? It is very subjective eh...

I seriously believe that if you were to love someone, you will definitely go all out, by hook or by crook to love him/her without hesitation... But at the end, the result may be like this... Not appreciated and not loved anymore...

In my previous blogs, I did mention that good doesn't always begets good... And in this scenario, 'It' seriously doesn't know how to value and appreciate a relationship... Deep down, I know that 'It' will never get another person like me.. Not trying to boast... I can be considered an endagered KL species that behave this way... Kinda orthodox... There are people like me, but only a handful of them... Women these days normally put career or family first before their spouse...

Of course, when we already have something, we don't really know how to appreciate and be contented... Instead, we always ask for more... We will only realize the missing part after a while and when that happens, it is always too late... Definitely, I wouldn't want to be an asshole who behaves that way...

My mom told me that it was 'Its' sister who asked 'It' to break off with me as soon as possible... There's a Chinese saying 'Better short pain than long pain'... Yes, I agree with her.. But doesn't she realize I wasn't given a chance? She should know it better...

You see, she was once dumped by her current husband.. Initially, her husband found another woman and he just took everything from the house they were living together... She was sad too.. And till today, I still cannot believe as a woman herself, she should know the pain and agony that it would cause to me.. But, she didn't give a damn and encouraged 'It' to take a brutal way... Come'n la... You weren't given a chance in the past and you are asking your own brother to do that...

It's not that I'm blaming her.. I am very puzzled to know that it was her suggestion.. After all, we are women... She should know better too as she's more matured (which now I dont think so)... Also, no one can force someone to do anything so 'It' is just cold-blooded.. Now you know why I always use 'It' instead of 'him'...

People should realize that everyone deserve a chance no matter what happens... If there isn't, every husband and wife would immediately divorce each other without trying to reconcile differences first... Then what is the meaning of marriage and death till us apart???

Anyway, I am totally disappointed and emotionally drained... However, I will keep telling myself that it's okay to fret and be sad now... And since 'It' doesn't want to be friends, which I feel that it is so childish, then be it....

Every dog has its day... I believe that 'It' and 'Its' sister will definitely have to payback for their deeds they had done.. Whatever comes around goes around...Although my colleague made fun that we are not dogs... But the principle applies to everyone... Whether you are a dog, cat, human or whatever...

Cheers...

Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs

It was on my sister's birthday when I felt extremely gloomy as I thought about why I wasn't given a chance... That very night, I bought Panadols waiting for the right time to leave... My world was shattered, and I couldn't handle my emotions anymore...

After having a scrumptious dinner with my beloved family, I was ready to leave once and for all... With me around, my family and friends will have a hard time giving me advise and I didn't want to burden them anymore...

There were a few unexpected sms from friends and I just told them to take care of themselves... Although I know I can't care for myself, I genuinely wanted them to lead a meaningful life unlike mine...

And again, my good friend managed to pull me away from the goddess of death... And that night, I bursted out the truth to my mom... To my surprise, she forgave me and told me that everyone makes mistakes.. That very moment, I felt relieve for a while...

The next day, 'It' called and say 'It' wanted to meet me after work... For once, I thought I was given a chance.... However, it was worse than a scary nightmare during a fiery thunderstorm...

'It' blurted out that 'It' didn't have any feelings for me anymore and there were many nasty reasons behind it too... I repeatedly asked what was my mistakes but 'It' said that I didn't do anything wrong...

The final blow to my face was when I asked 'It' this question:-

"If we were married and have a child now, would you just leave us behind just because you don't have any feelings for me anymore?"

And 'It' said:-

'Yes... I am just like any other guy!"

As a usual crybaby, I pathetically cried non-stop and almost gone insane... How on earth can someone that I had loved UNCONDITIONALLY uttered those inhumane words!!! On top of it, 'It' insisted that we cannot remain as friends, but agreed after seeing me crying... But deep down inside, I knew 'It' didn't mean it... Till now, 'It' doesn't even bother to sms or call asking how am I doing... Friends?? I don't think so...

'It' even went to my MOM'S OFFICE telling her that I was in bad shape and kept apologizing... 'It' also told my mom that 'It' doesn't want to see me for the rest of 'its' life and that 'It' is no longer my friend...

Okay... How RUDE that was... And my mom and I could still take it... I am suppose to hate 'It' but I can't... 'It' even told me to find someone else, don't ever wait for 'It' to come back cz 'It' doesnt and never will plan to do so.. Besides, 'It' kept saying 'It' isn't a good person...

The ultimate blow was when 'It' said 'It' has lost feelings for me a LONG TIME AGO... But I can't figure it out... How could that be? How can 'It' didn't like me but 'It' still hugged, kissed and treated me well? 'It' kept saying that 'It' was actually giving 'itself' a chance...

Come'n... That's bull shit-ting... Why didn't 'It' tell me in the first place? Why wasn't that properly communicated to me? See what I mean that I wasn't given a chance?

It's 5 months since our seperation...And after 5 years of relationship, I feel that I have totally wasted my time and effort in the relationship... I truly have contributed a lot and loved 'It' UNCONDITIONALLY even though I wasn't appreciated at all... Why again?? Cz I can say I am blindly in love and I don't like changing partners.... Loyal eh??? I was thinking if 'It' were to hit me, I would still love 'It' from the bottom of my heart...

Nevertheless, the unkind words that 'It' uttered demoralized me... It made me feel like a cheapskate whore and a worthless person... No matter how hard I tried to work things out, 'It' didn't want to give our relationship a chance...

I won't regret loving this person... Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt... Now, I am saving all my love and energy to someone that truly deserves it... I still want to UNCONDITONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY love someone in the future... (Only if I have the chance).... This will be my lesson... 'It' had downgraded and humiliated 'Men'.... But I am sure there're still endangered species out there who are nice, loyal and loving...

To anyone who's reading this, no matter whether you are a man or a woman, please don't treat your lovers like shit... Appreciate and value them for what they've done for you... Cz, you wouldn't know what it feels until you have lost them...

I am on the rational side now... It's tough, but I'm trying my best to survive and be positive... After all, I'm saving all my love for someone else... And I will give all my AFFECTION and DEVOTION to my other half (if any in the future) more than that I've contributed to 'It'...

Cheers & Wish me luck...

I Almost Died

Yes... As the name suggests, I almost died today... One slight, tiny slip, it would've been a fatal fall... At that split second, I wasn't scared at all... I was totally lost, disappointed and depressed with the life I'm having...

Do you seriously think I would want to die? Would I choose to die? Of course not... But it's the emotional turbulence that's conquering my soul... Suddenly, I thought of my good friend's advise... Even if I really wanted to die, I should choose the correct way... Or else, I would suffer for the rest of life if I weren't dead...

Ok... So I told myself I would just try one last time... This last is my final try.... I've managed to convince 'It' to go through the session with me together... Seriously, 'It' needs counselling too! 'It' has to bear some of the responsibilities and hopefully, 'It' would get everything off its chest once and for all...

My friend told me that 'It' is afraid of me... And I think she's right... Even 'It' had blurted out a few times...Why? Because I look terrible... Totally bad shape... Also, 'It' has also lost itself although 'It' may not want to admit...

She really opened up my thoughts for a while... 'It' is scared to hurt me again... A coward who is never willing to change and will only live for 'Itself' without considering others... She mentioned that if I can live for myself, change my lifestyle, only then there can be a chance in our relationship... It sounds so easy and plain simple...

However, the question that keep popping in my head is:- "How long can I go on like this?" We agreed to have a session after 'It' has the time... The waiting period may be too long for my injured, sick and hurt soul to cope... I'm just hoping that the appointment can be scheduled to the soonest...

I'm so afraid if it still fails... Yes, I sound pessimistic all the time... But who was the one who had pushed me to the edge of the cliff? Everyone says that no one can hurt you but yourself, but do they realize that not everyone is able to conquer their negative thoughts? Every soul is different... Some may recuperate whereas some may not... And I know I'm more towards death as I can't see any future ahead no matter how hard I tried...

'It' keeps telling me it's not right as I still have my family and friends... I just only wish to tell 'It'... "When a person is suffering from depression, they can neither see nor feel the future... They only cling on to the past and view the present..."

Cheers...

I Can't Take All The Blame...

I keep contemplating whether I really need professional help.. Whether I should really see a psychologist like 'It' suggested...

But why am I the only one who should be seeking professional help? Why isn't 'It' going with me together as a couple in the session to work things out? Why am I taking all the responsibilty? Just because I plan to leave this world? Is 'It' sure that I should be the only person to attend the session?

See... 'It' doesn't even care or bother to reconcile differences... 'It' doesn't value the meaning of relationship; being together, living as a united couple... I cannot be the only one to seek treatment... What causes this to happen? 'It' should bear some of the responsibility

People just cant fall out of love because of nothing... There must be a reason... 'It' said 'It' had tried to have feelings for me, but 'It' failed... Did 'It' really try hard? I personally don't think so... How much time and effort did 'It' put in? Did 'It' told me how 'It' really feel?

From the beginning, I knew that 'It' was a quiet person but as a partner, we should've communicated better... I had always done the talking but 'It' seldom and rarely shares how 'It' felt about anything... To 'It', I was some sort of semi-transparent...

If 'It' had sense that there was something wrong in the relationship, 'It' should had taken the both of us for couselling...

Life isn't just about yourself... 'It' keeps saying that I'm forcing 'It' by threatening to leave... But 'It' doesn't know that this isn't the reason... I'm tired for having to revive our relationship by creating excitement... Has 'It' done that? If yes, can 'It' proof it to me??-NO-

'It' is just to selfish and self-centered... 'It' makes me look that I'm the guilty one by saying I had overdone things... Well, if 'It' had already knew it for a long time, like I said, 'It' would arrange a counselling session for the both of us... Not just me alone... Is this enough proof that 'It' has not appreciated this relationship? I think it is...

Cheers & Goodbye....I shall be off soon...

Leaving...

Days are crawling... And it isn't fun... Although I had a karaoke session last night, my good friend suddenly told me something shocking and that would make a drastic change in her and my life... The worse part is that I cant help her... I'm in a slump now, and I hate myself for not being able to help her...

Something is living inside her which will eventually make her weak and fragile... It's not that she doesn't want to get rid of it, it's just that it can't go off... A time bomb is ticking and she may just leave anytime... And I can't do anything about it...

At times, I feel that I'm bringing lots of bad luck to people around me... In high school, good friends left me one by one... Then, 'It' left me... Now, it's a person who I can share my thoughts, visions and someone who really cares unconditionally has to go...

I'm ready anytime.. Life's useless.... Totally useless if a chance isn't given to us... Does she have a chance? -NO- Do I have a chance? -NO-

No matter how hard we try, we seem to fail... Honestly, I can't get up anymore... Most people would say everything is possible if we try, but I would say;- action speaks louder than words... They can talk all they want but at the end, they can't even do what they say... So just forget it...

I will definitely leave once most things are completed as I realized nothing can be finished... Just have to deal with it personally and I hope I can leave with a total peace of mind...

Remember... we are different... Our experiences differ... So don't compare... It only makes things worse... I may be a lunatic but as long as I feel what's best for me, I will do it, no matter what it takes...

Cheers and Goodbye~~