As usual, I love to share real life stories with people... Moral values, ethics, judgements, rationality and emotions play a crucial part in our daily lifes which we will have to go through and experience as long as we breathe...Even with a ventilator attached..No kidding...
My friend who had read my entire blog asked me what happened 4 to 5 years back... He kept on pestering me to tell him the truth since I love sharing pathetic stories.. Hahaha... Well, if he is reading this, I have to say sorry... I can't reveal it... The only thing that I can tell him is that the COLD HEARTED BASTARD did that do me... And the physical PAIN inflicted to me was EXCRUTIATING.. On top of that, it caused me to be temporarily INSANE (That is why my blog is named after it)... Also, I was extremely very EMOTIONALLY DRAINED... He is and always WILL BE a PERFECT EXAMPLE of an IRRESPONSIBLE creature (He is not fit to be called a human)... Had fun, then dumped me out of the blue...
Well, I don't put all the blame on him because he is such a naive little being trapped in a 26 YEARS-OLD BODY... IMMATURED and UNSTABLE both in career and mentality... Honestly, he DOESN'T HAVE THE BRAINS... I may seem evil and bias towards this creature but HEY!!! I could be evil but not as WICKED as him... You know something, I am POSITIVELY SURE if it happens to his CURRENT GIRLFRIEND, he would be like a CHICKEN running HELTER SKELTER; DISORIENTATED... And I can assure that...
By the way, he's also born in the year of the CHICKEN... Hahahah... Furthermore, he MAY just stick for a while with her and later, he WILL LOSE feelings for her... Like how he had told me (I'd written it in the previous blog- DOUBLE SLAPS & MULTIPLE STABS)... I truly PRAY that it won't happen to his INNOCENT partner... Or else, she'll lose her mind... As a woman myself, I won't keep any grudge with people who is not in contact with me...
So friend, if you are reading this, are you happy now? You can stop pestering me already... Hahaha... Figure it out yourself... You are a man yourself... You should know what will make you VERY AFRAID if 'SOMETHING HAPPENED' when you were in a relationship... Kekeke... Curious who is he? It's the alphabet before 'U' and after 'B' in my FRIENDSTER...
Adios Amigo...
Cheers~~~
Monday, November 5, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Theories...
Finally, exams are over... Am finally feeling relieved, but this is only temporary... I still have to push myself to do the best for at least one more year... Hopefully, getting an MBA really does pay off one day...
Am just feeling happy that life seems brighter now... I've great companies, nice people around me keeping me motivated all the time!!! What more can I ask right??? For instance, a few friends of mine, keep telling me that I would be a good wife because I always worry for the other party, continuously striving for improvement and I can cook!!! Hahaha... It does brighten up my day though...Hehehe...
People you once thought that couldn't be a good friend can indeed be a good friend... And even a superb listener too... Matured and wise, he gives practical advises that are easy to follow provided if I keep an open-mind... Till today, my stubborness is my downfall... Really have to be very careful on that...
Besides, I am happy that I once felt lost and cheated... If not because of it, I would still be a naive person who is dumb and silent...There is always something to learn from history... And I've learnt a few very important theories:-
"There is no point crying for a HEARTLESS and COMPLACENT person who does not cry for you; CRY for whom is close to you, SPIRITUALLY and MENTALLY; for your tears need your ultimate guidance..."
"Use your INTUITION to invest in a blue chip...Failing to do so, you may end up losing your life.."
"Being attached is a blessing... However, ATTACHEMENTS can turn sour if you are not prepared.."
"Love with your HEART and SOUL; learn to APPRECIATE your partner... To love and be loved in return is the key..."
"Do not TAKE FOR GRANTED that any pleasant situation will last; for IMPERMANANCE will be here soon..."
Although most people will not agree with my theories but I don't give a damn!!! Hahaha... Think further... Open up your mind and you'll see the rationality in it... People tend to say it's stupid.. But why? It's because they DON'T want to face the REALITY...
Cheers...
Am just feeling happy that life seems brighter now... I've great companies, nice people around me keeping me motivated all the time!!! What more can I ask right??? For instance, a few friends of mine, keep telling me that I would be a good wife because I always worry for the other party, continuously striving for improvement and I can cook!!! Hahaha... It does brighten up my day though...Hehehe...
People you once thought that couldn't be a good friend can indeed be a good friend... And even a superb listener too... Matured and wise, he gives practical advises that are easy to follow provided if I keep an open-mind... Till today, my stubborness is my downfall... Really have to be very careful on that...
Besides, I am happy that I once felt lost and cheated... If not because of it, I would still be a naive person who is dumb and silent...There is always something to learn from history... And I've learnt a few very important theories:-
"There is no point crying for a HEARTLESS and COMPLACENT person who does not cry for you; CRY for whom is close to you, SPIRITUALLY and MENTALLY; for your tears need your ultimate guidance..."
"Use your INTUITION to invest in a blue chip...Failing to do so, you may end up losing your life.."
"Being attached is a blessing... However, ATTACHEMENTS can turn sour if you are not prepared.."
"Love with your HEART and SOUL; learn to APPRECIATE your partner... To love and be loved in return is the key..."
"Do not TAKE FOR GRANTED that any pleasant situation will last; for IMPERMANANCE will be here soon..."
Although most people will not agree with my theories but I don't give a damn!!! Hahaha... Think further... Open up your mind and you'll see the rationality in it... People tend to say it's stupid.. But why? It's because they DON'T want to face the REALITY...
Cheers...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Women! Don't Take Unecessary Risks!!!
Before I begin, I would like to share about my day today...
Finally, I've some peace of mind... I've completed most of my assignments... After so many hours, days and weeks spent, I can finally breathe!!! Hahah.. Although exam is just around the corner, I feel that completing my assignments have reduced the burdens on my shoulder...
In the process of finishing the awful and time-consuming coursework, Mic had tremendously helped me a lot... And for the first time in my life, someone actually cares about what I write, what I think and what I feel about my work... He was there to comment, to give suggestions and most importantly, he gave his utmost emotional support... You know me lah... I am kinda of a 'cuckoo' person... Hahaha... My mood sometimes fluctuates... Could be due to PMS... Hehehe...
I had an amazing time today... Being able to catch 'Transformers' although I am a few months late.. Hahah... And Mid Valley is still showing it... It's worth it coz' I had the coupon 'Buy 1 free 1.' Just RM 12 for two persons...
It feels good to be able to hold someone you love, just walking and talking and having a great time together.... It doesn't matter if you don't get to buy anything you like while window shopping, but the 'feeling' is there... PROVIDED if you walk and talk to someone who is not boring and mundane, and someone who doesn't talk rubbish... And never ever go out with someone who cannot 'open' his/ her mouth while he/ she is next to you... It's just like having to prise open someone's mouth which is filled with pure gold or even platinum... Hehehe...
Like a friend said, 'Life is great when if you think it is.' Or else, life will be hopeless, dim and insecure if you are not positive enough to look at the bright side when you feel that life is crashing... So what if your life isn't going the way you want it to be? Are you going to die? Even if you were, what makes you think that it is the end? Have you ever thought of life after death? Nobody knows...
Even if someone betrays or deceives you, this is a lesson that we have to learn... And never allow history to repeat itself again... For instance, I will never go back to the person who've had betrayed me... Yes, everyone deserves a second chance, but sometimes, it is just not worth the risk...Ok.. We are going into the topic...
I once had a friend... She had a very good relationship with her boyfriend for several years... However, she was cheated by her boyfriend... Her man went after a disgusting whore although the latter was physically gorgeous... Later, her man decided that the whore isn't his cup of tea any decided to make up with my friend... And now, both of them are living happily as husband and wife and even has 2 kids- A boy and a girl..
The question is, "Is it worth the risk?" Yes, life is full or risks, why not treat just go for it? But you see, my friend has failed to see and analyze further... What happens if her husband cheats on her again? She may not be lucky and may end up in a divorce... After all, there is a Chinese saying "Do it once, there'll be a second time again..." What will happen to her INNOCENT CHILDREN if her husband leaves her? Moreover, she is not a capable woman... She does not earn much and still needs money from her husband... How is she going to fend for herself and her kids??? Even if she can make ends meet, her kids will lose a father figure... Worse still, they will not have all the best due to financial constraints (ie: education).
Others tell me that the scenario will be even worse if your husband cheats you after you are married and has no previous 'bad' track record... Yes, it is true... You may face the shock of your lifetime!!! Buy HEY!! WAKE UP WOMAN!! If a person has already have a 'scarred' record with solid evidences, why do you want to take the risks??? Do you want to have another blow of your life again??? Do you want history to repeat???? Have you not learnt your lesson??? Do you possibly think he is a blue chip when you know he is a CASANOVA??? Hah.. I doubt it...
You may say I am very negative on this issue, but seriously, it is not worth it... Maybe I am skeptical that people can change for the better but most of them don't... Often, it is the opposite.. Hehehe... About my friend, I doubt she will ever have a tremendously happy life the way she thinks... When you are hurt before, I am positively sure you will always have some grudge on it and sometimes think about the issue... And what I've mentioned above, kids will be the one who suffer the most... So you see, do you want all these to happen? Just wishing her the best of luck... I doubt her relationship will last :p
That is why we, especially women must equip ourselves... Be capable, productive and smart... With proper education, knowledge and wisdom, we can excel even if we fail in any relationships.. At least, you have your own financial independence as you don't have to rely on solely on your husband... The best part is, the possibility of your kids having a better education and life is higher... People always think that the ALIMONY given will be able to support the children, but COME'N la!!! YOUR HUSBAND DUMPED YOU AND NOW YOU WANT HIS MONEY??? SO CHEAPSKATE!!! Please la.. Women out there, please DON'T say "IT SHOULD BE YOURS!!!" Cz, you'll be implying that you still can't live without him in your life!!! What is the difference between you and a whore then???
This blog is to educate women not to be stupid in life... Do not take unnecessary risks... Hahaha...
Cheers ;)
Finally, I've some peace of mind... I've completed most of my assignments... After so many hours, days and weeks spent, I can finally breathe!!! Hahah.. Although exam is just around the corner, I feel that completing my assignments have reduced the burdens on my shoulder...
In the process of finishing the awful and time-consuming coursework, Mic had tremendously helped me a lot... And for the first time in my life, someone actually cares about what I write, what I think and what I feel about my work... He was there to comment, to give suggestions and most importantly, he gave his utmost emotional support... You know me lah... I am kinda of a 'cuckoo' person... Hahaha... My mood sometimes fluctuates... Could be due to PMS... Hehehe...
I had an amazing time today... Being able to catch 'Transformers' although I am a few months late.. Hahah... And Mid Valley is still showing it... It's worth it coz' I had the coupon 'Buy 1 free 1.' Just RM 12 for two persons...
It feels good to be able to hold someone you love, just walking and talking and having a great time together.... It doesn't matter if you don't get to buy anything you like while window shopping, but the 'feeling' is there... PROVIDED if you walk and talk to someone who is not boring and mundane, and someone who doesn't talk rubbish... And never ever go out with someone who cannot 'open' his/ her mouth while he/ she is next to you... It's just like having to prise open someone's mouth which is filled with pure gold or even platinum... Hehehe...
Like a friend said, 'Life is great when if you think it is.' Or else, life will be hopeless, dim and insecure if you are not positive enough to look at the bright side when you feel that life is crashing... So what if your life isn't going the way you want it to be? Are you going to die? Even if you were, what makes you think that it is the end? Have you ever thought of life after death? Nobody knows...
Even if someone betrays or deceives you, this is a lesson that we have to learn... And never allow history to repeat itself again... For instance, I will never go back to the person who've had betrayed me... Yes, everyone deserves a second chance, but sometimes, it is just not worth the risk...Ok.. We are going into the topic...
I once had a friend... She had a very good relationship with her boyfriend for several years... However, she was cheated by her boyfriend... Her man went after a disgusting whore although the latter was physically gorgeous... Later, her man decided that the whore isn't his cup of tea any decided to make up with my friend... And now, both of them are living happily as husband and wife and even has 2 kids- A boy and a girl..
The question is, "Is it worth the risk?" Yes, life is full or risks, why not treat just go for it? But you see, my friend has failed to see and analyze further... What happens if her husband cheats on her again? She may not be lucky and may end up in a divorce... After all, there is a Chinese saying "Do it once, there'll be a second time again..." What will happen to her INNOCENT CHILDREN if her husband leaves her? Moreover, she is not a capable woman... She does not earn much and still needs money from her husband... How is she going to fend for herself and her kids??? Even if she can make ends meet, her kids will lose a father figure... Worse still, they will not have all the best due to financial constraints (ie: education).
Others tell me that the scenario will be even worse if your husband cheats you after you are married and has no previous 'bad' track record... Yes, it is true... You may face the shock of your lifetime!!! Buy HEY!! WAKE UP WOMAN!! If a person has already have a 'scarred' record with solid evidences, why do you want to take the risks??? Do you want to have another blow of your life again??? Do you want history to repeat???? Have you not learnt your lesson??? Do you possibly think he is a blue chip when you know he is a CASANOVA??? Hah.. I doubt it...
You may say I am very negative on this issue, but seriously, it is not worth it... Maybe I am skeptical that people can change for the better but most of them don't... Often, it is the opposite.. Hehehe... About my friend, I doubt she will ever have a tremendously happy life the way she thinks... When you are hurt before, I am positively sure you will always have some grudge on it and sometimes think about the issue... And what I've mentioned above, kids will be the one who suffer the most... So you see, do you want all these to happen? Just wishing her the best of luck... I doubt her relationship will last :p
That is why we, especially women must equip ourselves... Be capable, productive and smart... With proper education, knowledge and wisdom, we can excel even if we fail in any relationships.. At least, you have your own financial independence as you don't have to rely on solely on your husband... The best part is, the possibility of your kids having a better education and life is higher... People always think that the ALIMONY given will be able to support the children, but COME'N la!!! YOUR HUSBAND DUMPED YOU AND NOW YOU WANT HIS MONEY??? SO CHEAPSKATE!!! Please la.. Women out there, please DON'T say "IT SHOULD BE YOURS!!!" Cz, you'll be implying that you still can't live without him in your life!!! What is the difference between you and a whore then???
This blog is to educate women not to be stupid in life... Do not take unnecessary risks... Hahaha...
Cheers ;)
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Behind Every Succesful Man, There is a Woman; Behind Every Sucessful Woman, There Is No Man...
Yup… Is the statement true? Do you agree with it? Do you think that behind every successful man there is a woman but behind every successful woman there isn’t any man? Hmm… Very subjective..
I would like to think that there is no definite answer to the statement… But…Again… there are some facts to it…
Look at Bill Clinton.. He has Hillary…Tony Blair has Cherie… Bush has Laura… Osama has few wives… and my dad has my mom..Hahaha… On the other hand, is there a man behind Sophia Gandhi? Is there someone behind Arroyo?
So then, is the female species more superior than men? Well, I don’t want to be bias, really… It’s just that science has proven it to us… Female has XX chromosomes but male has XY chromosomes.. Thus, man actually need our female part of the chromosome in order for them to be a ‘man’… No wonder men have NIPPLES too.. Hahahah… Why? Because they are partially made up from the females ‘X’ chromosome… Hehehe…
Besides, I do see that there are many successful women out there who do not need a man behind them.. Yes, I don’t disagree that there are women who have support behind them.. It’s just that most of them don’t… This is definitely an undeniable fact..
Hence, it doesn’t matter if you are OUTCAST or DUMPED by any man, because indirectly, they are giving you a chance of the lifetime to be one of the most successful woman on earth!!! BRAVO… And they don’t even realize it… Hehehe… I am brutally honest here.. Women can unleash their potentials within drastically and they can be extremely wicked to get what they want… They will achieve whatever they desire in order to prove to men that they are not useless creatures..
Again.. I tend not to only side my own species… Well, like me.. I have someone behind me to keep me going.. Someone who shares my vision and dreams…And I’m well respected… So, I’ll have to rephrase the statement…
I would like to think that there is no definite answer to the statement… But…Again… there are some facts to it…
Look at Bill Clinton.. He has Hillary…Tony Blair has Cherie… Bush has Laura… Osama has few wives… and my dad has my mom..Hahaha… On the other hand, is there a man behind Sophia Gandhi? Is there someone behind Arroyo?
So then, is the female species more superior than men? Well, I don’t want to be bias, really… It’s just that science has proven it to us… Female has XX chromosomes but male has XY chromosomes.. Thus, man actually need our female part of the chromosome in order for them to be a ‘man’… No wonder men have NIPPLES too.. Hahahah… Why? Because they are partially made up from the females ‘X’ chromosome… Hehehe…
Besides, I do see that there are many successful women out there who do not need a man behind them.. Yes, I don’t disagree that there are women who have support behind them.. It’s just that most of them don’t… This is definitely an undeniable fact..
Hence, it doesn’t matter if you are OUTCAST or DUMPED by any man, because indirectly, they are giving you a chance of the lifetime to be one of the most successful woman on earth!!! BRAVO… And they don’t even realize it… Hehehe… I am brutally honest here.. Women can unleash their potentials within drastically and they can be extremely wicked to get what they want… They will achieve whatever they desire in order to prove to men that they are not useless creatures..
Again.. I tend not to only side my own species… Well, like me.. I have someone behind me to keep me going.. Someone who shares my vision and dreams…And I’m well respected… So, I’ll have to rephrase the statement…
" Behind every successful man, there will definitely be a woman, But behind every successful woman, there may be a GENTLEMAN…."
You see… A man and a gentleman is different.. Why? Let me enlighten you a little.. Hehehe…
Man- Physical, Alter-ego, Demanding, Masculine, Unreasonable, Callous, Male Chauvinist
Gentleman- Tame, Altruistic, Philanthropic, Romantic, Caring, Idealistic
I used to have a ‘man’ behind me and no wonder I wasn’t successful at all!!! Hahaha… As compared to now, I am positively sure I am thriving superbly well than before… Hehehe… So you see.. There is a difference between a man and a gentleman
For you guys out there… Honestly.. Are you a man or a gentleman? Just look at your wife.. Or your girlfriend… Are they successful??? It should answer the question… It’s that simple… Hehehe…
Cheers :)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Reborn...
Eureka! Eureka! Finally! Finally I'm able to do what I want... Initially, I just felt like upgrading myself and yes! I'm doing it! Mentally, physically and spriritually... It feels great to be one step ahead than others.. (I prefer to think so..hehehe)...
Studying again for future career advancement... Not everyone has the privilege to do so.. And getting an additional qualification in a totally unrelated field is even more challenging... Although it's extremely difficult to cope at times, but I know this is worth it.. Money can't buy knowledge.. And nobody can take knowledge away from anyone.. (Nah.. As if la I'm that smart... Hahahah)..
I'm PROUD of myself... Been able to go through very bad times... Being hurt and hospitalized wasn't a fun thing... But being able TO LOVE and to BE LOVED again is something that I treasure most right now... It seems like my life's complete... And I'm contented for what I have... An understanding partner, a supportive family, whacky friends and a handful of good friends... Hehehe... Moreover, my circle of friends which include successful people; doctors, lawyers, engineers, overseas bankers, senior computer analysts and businessmen had enlighten me to view things at different perspectives... And that made me to make these conclusions:-
Cheers ;)
Studying again for future career advancement... Not everyone has the privilege to do so.. And getting an additional qualification in a totally unrelated field is even more challenging... Although it's extremely difficult to cope at times, but I know this is worth it.. Money can't buy knowledge.. And nobody can take knowledge away from anyone.. (Nah.. As if la I'm that smart... Hahahah)..
I'm PROUD of myself... Been able to go through very bad times... Being hurt and hospitalized wasn't a fun thing... But being able TO LOVE and to BE LOVED again is something that I treasure most right now... It seems like my life's complete... And I'm contented for what I have... An understanding partner, a supportive family, whacky friends and a handful of good friends... Hehehe... Moreover, my circle of friends which include successful people; doctors, lawyers, engineers, overseas bankers, senior computer analysts and businessmen had enlighten me to view things at different perspectives... And that made me to make these conclusions:-
- I CANNOT be labelled as immature by a single individual when the entire world says I'm a matured person. Why? Because that single person does not plan his life. Failing to plan is planning to fail. Furthermore, he lacks self-confidence, is complacent and has unconstructive hobbies. By the way, that person suffers from inferiority complex.
- I am a THINKER not a worrier. I think a lot and am able to create my own hypotheses on any given situation. In any scenario, it is better to have back-up plans. A stitch in time saves nine.
- I am BEAUTIFUL not ugly. I may not have a perfectly symmetrical face and a drop dead gorgeus body but I am beautiful in my way. It's not for others to judge. Point one finger at me and three fingers are pointing at you!
- I am the WINNER not the loser! Yes, even if I've been outcasted! Why? My life is getting better each day and I've learnt a lot from history! There's always a silver lining somewhere!!! Not just behind the clouds..
Honestly, it's great to feel revitalized and energized again... I'm surrounded in an aura of positive 'chi'... It's vital to be with POSITIVE PEOPLE... They'll REJUVENATE you when you are at your weakest.. Am superbly lucky to have them in my life... Thanks a lot to my dear Mic... And my hottie pal.. Hehehehe....
Cheers ;)
Monday, August 27, 2007
Life, Love and Lies
To most people, life is full of love.. But to some others, life is full of lies.. Lame lies... A person can say he or she loves you but it could be a lie.. Why? Because true love is unconditinal love.. Besides our parents, I obviously don't think anyone can give us unconditionally... When we are in trouble, in shock, in pain, trouble, they will stick by us... It is really hard to find someone who does not have any blood tie with us is able to treat and love us the same like our parents do..
Life can be full of misery.. Unkept promises, unreasonable explanations, etc by someone whom we treasure most will drive us up the wall.. When someone says "I will only do this or that when you fulfill some requirements," that is just bullshit... Plain BULL SHIT!!! It is called love with conditions...
Love and lies go hand in hand... A perfect couple, matchmade from heaven... Hahaha.. Why do I say that?? Figure it yourself...
When you divert all your energy to someone you love, you tend to fall easily when things go awry... Heartbroken, devastated, you have lost hope in everything you do and life seems miserable and painstaking...
You find it hard to believe yourself... It is not because you cannot trust others, the fact is, you can't trust yourself... Afraid of making the blunder again... Afraid of history repeating itself again.. Afraid that it is a cycle of love and lies that never end...
A perfect analogy will be when you buy something exquisite which you adore most at a very high price and then trash it away after a while because it is not the current fashion anymore... Thus, you will regret as you had waster so much on it...
The truth is, people tend to change.. You may like something now but HOW SURE are you that you will love it for the rest of you life? You have the authority to change and the power to choose! So what is the point staying faithful when you don't like it anymore?
Hence, what is unconditional love is extremely subjective... How do you define it?? In my opinion, I feel unconditional love is contributing my whole load of energy loving and adoring without any requirements... I HATE and is DISGUSTED by anyone who sets a prerequisite for loving someone...
Think again, maybe think harder... It really PISSES me off when someone sets something stupid in a relationship... It's weird and crazy... But don't be surprised!!! There are dudes who behave in such a way...
Cheers...
Life can be full of misery.. Unkept promises, unreasonable explanations, etc by someone whom we treasure most will drive us up the wall.. When someone says "I will only do this or that when you fulfill some requirements," that is just bullshit... Plain BULL SHIT!!! It is called love with conditions...
Love and lies go hand in hand... A perfect couple, matchmade from heaven... Hahaha.. Why do I say that?? Figure it yourself...
When you divert all your energy to someone you love, you tend to fall easily when things go awry... Heartbroken, devastated, you have lost hope in everything you do and life seems miserable and painstaking...
You find it hard to believe yourself... It is not because you cannot trust others, the fact is, you can't trust yourself... Afraid of making the blunder again... Afraid of history repeating itself again.. Afraid that it is a cycle of love and lies that never end...
A perfect analogy will be when you buy something exquisite which you adore most at a very high price and then trash it away after a while because it is not the current fashion anymore... Thus, you will regret as you had waster so much on it...
The truth is, people tend to change.. You may like something now but HOW SURE are you that you will love it for the rest of you life? You have the authority to change and the power to choose! So what is the point staying faithful when you don't like it anymore?
Hence, what is unconditional love is extremely subjective... How do you define it?? In my opinion, I feel unconditional love is contributing my whole load of energy loving and adoring without any requirements... I HATE and is DISGUSTED by anyone who sets a prerequisite for loving someone...
Think again, maybe think harder... It really PISSES me off when someone sets something stupid in a relationship... It's weird and crazy... But don't be surprised!!! There are dudes who behave in such a way...
Cheers...
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Is Life Complicated?
Once again, Life's so complicated... Why? Because I'm making it so... Simple things can be settled easily and yet, I tend to ponder too much over small issues..
Life's not a destination, life's a journey.. And I wonder why I am still unable to DRILL that into my head... There've been major changes in my life recently and I am quite amazed it happened within a short period..
Firstly, I quit my job, practically a 24-hour notice to continue my studies... Until this moment, this instance and this second, I am still thinking whether it was the right choice... I can't turn back, not now... Or else, I would end up in the cooking pot! My parents'll will literally 'cook' me alive!!!!!!!
Secondly, I've decided to open up my heart to someone really positive and great... Thanks to Michael for making my once dull and pathetic life colourful again... I love him dearly.. Someone who knows how to make me laugh when I'm down, and is always by my side, respects my thoughts and feelings, without making fun of them...
Finally, I'm thankful that my ex dumped me.. Or else, I wouldn't think that I would still be in demand... Although I am not a drop-dead gorgeous babe, but there are few people who are interested in me... Hahaha.... And I can't believe it.. Honestly, it had never ever crossed my mind that someone would want to be more than friends with me!!! Hahahaha!!!! Definitely feels great...
To forget the past is impossible but, I will make it a point to take that as a hard lesson learnt... Even thought when I feel that my life's getting more meaningful each day, I am still not contented..
Why? Because I'm facing a few issues... A conflict of interest within myself... I've Ms. Myself, Ms. Dumbass and Ms. Lovesick stuck with me... A snapshot of the 3 personalities are as follows:-
Ms. Myself- Wacky, crazy but rational... Always a thinker.. However, most of the time, she would think too much and ends up frustrated and agitated...
Ms. Dumbass- She cannot analyze thing properly, impatient, easily irritated by issues pertaining to studies, work and emotions...
Ms. Lovesick- To her, love's everything, nothing is superior than that.. Believes that sacrificing everything is the key to everlasting fairytale love... Only wants to be with the one she loves everyday, every minute, every second and every moment..
These 3 characters are always arguing with each other... Ms. Dumbass's constantly nagging Ms. Lovesick to let go the love of ther life, because she wants to have more time improving herself in her studies as she is so stupid...
On the other hand, Ms. Lovesick is lecturing Ms. Dumbass that love is the key to everything.. Anything can only be solved with true and pure love..
And then, Ms. Myself is constantly in a dilemma because she can't control the irrational arguments that Ms. Dumbass and Ms. Lovesick are fighting on... In the end, she feels bogged down by unnecessary issues and is stressed up for nothing... She keeps telling them to settle their problems themselves, but it seems that neither sides are listening to her...
What should Ms. Myself do? Should she kill Ms. Dumbass and Ms. Lovesick? Or should she just leave them alone? Conflicting thoughts and personalities will eventually conquer Ms. Myself if she doesn't eradicated either one of them...
Sigh... Once again... Life seems so complicated... I do hope it'll get better tomorrow.. Tomorrow is a brand new day... It should be good... Be positive... Even if I can't, I will make sure I'll do something about it as I've Michael sticking to me like 'elephant gum.' Hahahaha.... And I love it..
Also, I've my hot sexy, babe friend who often reminds me that life's a journey, not a destination..
Cheers...
Life's not a destination, life's a journey.. And I wonder why I am still unable to DRILL that into my head... There've been major changes in my life recently and I am quite amazed it happened within a short period..
Firstly, I quit my job, practically a 24-hour notice to continue my studies... Until this moment, this instance and this second, I am still thinking whether it was the right choice... I can't turn back, not now... Or else, I would end up in the cooking pot! My parents'll will literally 'cook' me alive!!!!!!!
Secondly, I've decided to open up my heart to someone really positive and great... Thanks to Michael for making my once dull and pathetic life colourful again... I love him dearly.. Someone who knows how to make me laugh when I'm down, and is always by my side, respects my thoughts and feelings, without making fun of them...
Finally, I'm thankful that my ex dumped me.. Or else, I wouldn't think that I would still be in demand... Although I am not a drop-dead gorgeous babe, but there are few people who are interested in me... Hahaha.... And I can't believe it.. Honestly, it had never ever crossed my mind that someone would want to be more than friends with me!!! Hahahaha!!!! Definitely feels great...
To forget the past is impossible but, I will make it a point to take that as a hard lesson learnt... Even thought when I feel that my life's getting more meaningful each day, I am still not contented..
Why? Because I'm facing a few issues... A conflict of interest within myself... I've Ms. Myself, Ms. Dumbass and Ms. Lovesick stuck with me... A snapshot of the 3 personalities are as follows:-
Ms. Myself- Wacky, crazy but rational... Always a thinker.. However, most of the time, she would think too much and ends up frustrated and agitated...
Ms. Dumbass- She cannot analyze thing properly, impatient, easily irritated by issues pertaining to studies, work and emotions...
Ms. Lovesick- To her, love's everything, nothing is superior than that.. Believes that sacrificing everything is the key to everlasting fairytale love... Only wants to be with the one she loves everyday, every minute, every second and every moment..
These 3 characters are always arguing with each other... Ms. Dumbass's constantly nagging Ms. Lovesick to let go the love of ther life, because she wants to have more time improving herself in her studies as she is so stupid...
On the other hand, Ms. Lovesick is lecturing Ms. Dumbass that love is the key to everything.. Anything can only be solved with true and pure love..
And then, Ms. Myself is constantly in a dilemma because she can't control the irrational arguments that Ms. Dumbass and Ms. Lovesick are fighting on... In the end, she feels bogged down by unnecessary issues and is stressed up for nothing... She keeps telling them to settle their problems themselves, but it seems that neither sides are listening to her...
What should Ms. Myself do? Should she kill Ms. Dumbass and Ms. Lovesick? Or should she just leave them alone? Conflicting thoughts and personalities will eventually conquer Ms. Myself if she doesn't eradicated either one of them...
Sigh... Once again... Life seems so complicated... I do hope it'll get better tomorrow.. Tomorrow is a brand new day... It should be good... Be positive... Even if I can't, I will make sure I'll do something about it as I've Michael sticking to me like 'elephant gum.' Hahahaha.... And I love it..
Also, I've my hot sexy, babe friend who often reminds me that life's a journey, not a destination..
Cheers...
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Forgiving and Forgetting???
After a long break, I finally decided to pen something down.. Something that had been at the back of my head, buried deep down in my subconscious mind... Questions that keep popping up in my head, questions that don't have to be answered, dying to be kept beneath and yet they are still forcing me to search for an answer...
Discontented, hatred and delusion... Does it bother me right now? Honestly, I totally have no idea... Lost again...So lost... Forgiving and forgetting... Yes, I've fogave but forgetting isn't gonna work right now...
Why on earth did he not visit me when I was in hospital? Even as a good friend, he should have... His office was only 10 minutes away... I was admitted for a whole week, in much pain, agony and discomfort, and yet he wasn't even there to console me.. Not even as a friend...
I had a total of 3 needles on my right hand, one huge IV drip just below my neck, 3 (2 big and 1 small) DRAINAGES embedded into my chest (when the doctor took it out, it looked exactly like 'ALIENS TENTACLES'- huge and long) to remove 'dirty blood'; and one tube inserted in 'you know where' (to urinate)..
I couldn't move or talk much... The 15cm incision was painful... My entire neck, shoulder blades and chest was excruciating painful... It was worse that labour pain (someone had already verified it)...
And yet, why was he so cruel? Or can I look at the bright side? Maybe he was scared to see me in that shit.. Afraid of pitying me and wanting me again? Should I make this kinda remark? Should I think this way to please and comfort myself? Should I??? Lame excuses like he was busy and had no time... Do you think anyone could take this kinda stupid excuses?
For the entire one and a half months, he only visited me when I asked him to... The most he sat down was only half an hour... Do you think he should deserve a big slap? Yes? No? Is he cold-blooded? Yes? No? Or does he deserve something more than a big slap on his cheek??? Occassioanally, until today, I still suffer from stiff neck, shoulders and discomfort on my chest especially when I'm sleeping...
I forgive him.. Really.. But I will never forget what he had done.. Also, I will never ever forget something that happened 4 years ago that had a deep impact in me...Will forgive but never forget... Why? Do you think I have the chance to forget? Do you think it's possible? If anyone says 'YES', obviously I think he/she's lying... Unless if I'm suffering from amnesia...Probably it would help then...
One problem led to another... Now, someone is treating me so very nice, and it's unavoidable.. I've no idea what to do next? What should be my next step? My family, my mom and dad doesn't understand me.. They think I'm a desperado... So against my decisions... Practically, they want to decide for me although theoretically they said no.. But if I don't listen to them, they'll scold and give me a hard time...
The best way is to leave.. But don't get me wrong... I won't die.. I'm scared to die now.. I haven't accomplished anything yet.. I haven't done all the things that I wanted to do so much previously...
If I've the chance to go somewhere, it has to be quick... I can't be stuck here... I hate to feel lost and demotivated again... The only thing I can do is to study... Maybe get a Masters degree.. I want to improve myself... I want to feel good again... The opportunity is coming.. Just have to be patient and for wait another week... I can feel it.. The only thing that's holding it back is- MONEY and TIME... I don't want to spend so much of my family's savings just to pursue my interest... And I don't want them to wait for me so long to see me bearing 'good and healthy' fruits...
Leaving is the best option.. If I don't get to do it, I'll be so lost.. I'll be stuck in a huge dilemma.. I've already made huge mistakes and yet I still make the same blunder... Too impatient... Too rush.. I rush into things quite easily.. That's what my parents said.. But I don't think so... If only I had their blessings, I would definitely give myself another chance and be proud of it..
At the moment, my mom will never understand what I want.. Everyone wants it their way... But did anyone asked "WHAT I WANT???" My parents always say that they give me so much freedom to choose what I want but like I said earlier..I've to comply to them or else they'll give me a hard time...
Why CAN'T I DECIDE WHAT I WANT AND THEY CAN SUPPORT ME THROUGHOUT MY JOURNEY??? WHY DO THEY NEED TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME??? I try to be super honest with my parents and I think it's a wrong decision.. Can you imagine I'm already a grown up and yet my mom is still treating me like a 16-year old????
She's too over-protective.. Luckily I'm a person who'll fight for my rights.. Unlike my sister, she won't... And see what has happened to her now? I don't blame my mom for that.. It's just that her way of loving may not be suitable for us... Different people have different way of bringing up their children.. They think that it's the best for them but at the end, it doesn't always work that way... It may BACKFIRE... Lesson to be learnt for future parents...
Okay.. Coming back to the topic, I don't know whether to accept this nice gentleman who's currently treating me like his princess (although I don't look like one- Hahaha) whole-heartedly or how... I can't keep dragging it on like that... I need a firm decision... If I'm too firm, he'll be hurt.. I hate hurting people... I do miss him a lot...Believe me.. Love his company but I don't know whether it's alright to go on when I'm still healing...
The only answer that I have now is I know I'm unable to love him with all my heart and soul at this present moment.. I don't know what can happen in the future and I don't even dare to think about it... I'm such a bitch.. Worse than that.. A SUPER BITCH... Giving false hope to others...
Someone please knock my head and wake me up... Currently I'm still in deep sleep and I'm dreaming I'm in a roller-coaster that won't stop... Everything is happening so fast.. So fast till it seems that there's no way to stop... No escape...TRAPPED...
Anyway, I feel much much better these days.. I don't easily feel down or irritated.. Just quite demotivated.. It's like having a hangover.. Am sick today but I'll be fine the next day... I've to set a clear picture of what I want out of my life and make it happen...
Cheers~~~
Discontented, hatred and delusion... Does it bother me right now? Honestly, I totally have no idea... Lost again...So lost... Forgiving and forgetting... Yes, I've fogave but forgetting isn't gonna work right now...
Why on earth did he not visit me when I was in hospital? Even as a good friend, he should have... His office was only 10 minutes away... I was admitted for a whole week, in much pain, agony and discomfort, and yet he wasn't even there to console me.. Not even as a friend...
I had a total of 3 needles on my right hand, one huge IV drip just below my neck, 3 (2 big and 1 small) DRAINAGES embedded into my chest (when the doctor took it out, it looked exactly like 'ALIENS TENTACLES'- huge and long) to remove 'dirty blood'; and one tube inserted in 'you know where' (to urinate)..
I couldn't move or talk much... The 15cm incision was painful... My entire neck, shoulder blades and chest was excruciating painful... It was worse that labour pain (someone had already verified it)...
And yet, why was he so cruel? Or can I look at the bright side? Maybe he was scared to see me in that shit.. Afraid of pitying me and wanting me again? Should I make this kinda remark? Should I think this way to please and comfort myself? Should I??? Lame excuses like he was busy and had no time... Do you think anyone could take this kinda stupid excuses?
For the entire one and a half months, he only visited me when I asked him to... The most he sat down was only half an hour... Do you think he should deserve a big slap? Yes? No? Is he cold-blooded? Yes? No? Or does he deserve something more than a big slap on his cheek??? Occassioanally, until today, I still suffer from stiff neck, shoulders and discomfort on my chest especially when I'm sleeping...
I forgive him.. Really.. But I will never forget what he had done.. Also, I will never ever forget something that happened 4 years ago that had a deep impact in me...Will forgive but never forget... Why? Do you think I have the chance to forget? Do you think it's possible? If anyone says 'YES', obviously I think he/she's lying... Unless if I'm suffering from amnesia...Probably it would help then...
One problem led to another... Now, someone is treating me so very nice, and it's unavoidable.. I've no idea what to do next? What should be my next step? My family, my mom and dad doesn't understand me.. They think I'm a desperado... So against my decisions... Practically, they want to decide for me although theoretically they said no.. But if I don't listen to them, they'll scold and give me a hard time...
The best way is to leave.. But don't get me wrong... I won't die.. I'm scared to die now.. I haven't accomplished anything yet.. I haven't done all the things that I wanted to do so much previously...
If I've the chance to go somewhere, it has to be quick... I can't be stuck here... I hate to feel lost and demotivated again... The only thing I can do is to study... Maybe get a Masters degree.. I want to improve myself... I want to feel good again... The opportunity is coming.. Just have to be patient and for wait another week... I can feel it.. The only thing that's holding it back is- MONEY and TIME... I don't want to spend so much of my family's savings just to pursue my interest... And I don't want them to wait for me so long to see me bearing 'good and healthy' fruits...
Leaving is the best option.. If I don't get to do it, I'll be so lost.. I'll be stuck in a huge dilemma.. I've already made huge mistakes and yet I still make the same blunder... Too impatient... Too rush.. I rush into things quite easily.. That's what my parents said.. But I don't think so... If only I had their blessings, I would definitely give myself another chance and be proud of it..
At the moment, my mom will never understand what I want.. Everyone wants it their way... But did anyone asked "WHAT I WANT???" My parents always say that they give me so much freedom to choose what I want but like I said earlier..I've to comply to them or else they'll give me a hard time...
Why CAN'T I DECIDE WHAT I WANT AND THEY CAN SUPPORT ME THROUGHOUT MY JOURNEY??? WHY DO THEY NEED TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME??? I try to be super honest with my parents and I think it's a wrong decision.. Can you imagine I'm already a grown up and yet my mom is still treating me like a 16-year old????
She's too over-protective.. Luckily I'm a person who'll fight for my rights.. Unlike my sister, she won't... And see what has happened to her now? I don't blame my mom for that.. It's just that her way of loving may not be suitable for us... Different people have different way of bringing up their children.. They think that it's the best for them but at the end, it doesn't always work that way... It may BACKFIRE... Lesson to be learnt for future parents...
Okay.. Coming back to the topic, I don't know whether to accept this nice gentleman who's currently treating me like his princess (although I don't look like one- Hahaha) whole-heartedly or how... I can't keep dragging it on like that... I need a firm decision... If I'm too firm, he'll be hurt.. I hate hurting people... I do miss him a lot...Believe me.. Love his company but I don't know whether it's alright to go on when I'm still healing...
The only answer that I have now is I know I'm unable to love him with all my heart and soul at this present moment.. I don't know what can happen in the future and I don't even dare to think about it... I'm such a bitch.. Worse than that.. A SUPER BITCH... Giving false hope to others...
Someone please knock my head and wake me up... Currently I'm still in deep sleep and I'm dreaming I'm in a roller-coaster that won't stop... Everything is happening so fast.. So fast till it seems that there's no way to stop... No escape...TRAPPED...
Anyway, I feel much much better these days.. I don't easily feel down or irritated.. Just quite demotivated.. It's like having a hangover.. Am sick today but I'll be fine the next day... I've to set a clear picture of what I want out of my life and make it happen...
Cheers~~~
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Contented?
Till date, I've managed to put everything down slowly... Literally... Things've changed, people have evolved into better beings... Everything seems different from a certain point of view...
Well, my perceptions are usually not accurate as I don't perceive anything just like that.. Kinda complicated.. When I ponder on one issue, I'll think about what it leads to...and the lists keep going on and on without halting..
There won't be any words such as DEFINITE, WILL BE and PROMISE in my vocabulary right now... Why? Because things don't work that way... Say for example, I can promise you something in the beginning and I'm unable to deliver the result... Also, I can reiterate that an issue will be addressed in a way that the end result will be a positive one... However, who can guarantee that? Me? You? God?
Question are always open ended.. Even mathematical equations are... Even if 1+1=2, some may say that's 1+1=11... Logically, the answer should be 2 but illogically, it can also be 11... At the end of the day, you are the one who'll determine the answer...
When you treat someone whole-heartedly, it doesn't mean that it'll be RECIPROCATED... Why? People tend to be greedy all the time, although you may not realize it.. Always wanting more... Thinking back, Pepsi's slogan really has a deep significant meaning into our daily lifes.. Hahaha...
So, when you know that it doesn't work that way, you would start to give only half of your effort into it and hope you would still get what you want... The best part is, when you already have something in hand, you would tend to forget about it and take things from granted...That's HUMAN...
Don't believe me? When was the last time you kissed you mom besides mother's day eh??? Or when was the last time you praised her?? I'm pretty sure most of us have taken it for granted because we know our mothers will be there for us no matter what... We know she'll always be there, hence, we don't really need to show our affection to her.. But that's so wrong...
It applies into everything... Our love life, our job and also on our own personal reasoning... Just remember to appreciate people who are always around us spiritually and mentally... Human don't live forever... He/She might just go off one day and you'll regret it for the rest of your life...
Be grateful and contented for what you have... Some of us may not be as lucky... We've to really strive for anything we want even though we know the end result may be fatal to us...
Cheers~~~
Well, my perceptions are usually not accurate as I don't perceive anything just like that.. Kinda complicated.. When I ponder on one issue, I'll think about what it leads to...and the lists keep going on and on without halting..
There won't be any words such as DEFINITE, WILL BE and PROMISE in my vocabulary right now... Why? Because things don't work that way... Say for example, I can promise you something in the beginning and I'm unable to deliver the result... Also, I can reiterate that an issue will be addressed in a way that the end result will be a positive one... However, who can guarantee that? Me? You? God?
Question are always open ended.. Even mathematical equations are... Even if 1+1=2, some may say that's 1+1=11... Logically, the answer should be 2 but illogically, it can also be 11... At the end of the day, you are the one who'll determine the answer...
When you treat someone whole-heartedly, it doesn't mean that it'll be RECIPROCATED... Why? People tend to be greedy all the time, although you may not realize it.. Always wanting more... Thinking back, Pepsi's slogan really has a deep significant meaning into our daily lifes.. Hahaha...
So, when you know that it doesn't work that way, you would start to give only half of your effort into it and hope you would still get what you want... The best part is, when you already have something in hand, you would tend to forget about it and take things from granted...That's HUMAN...
Don't believe me? When was the last time you kissed you mom besides mother's day eh??? Or when was the last time you praised her?? I'm pretty sure most of us have taken it for granted because we know our mothers will be there for us no matter what... We know she'll always be there, hence, we don't really need to show our affection to her.. But that's so wrong...
It applies into everything... Our love life, our job and also on our own personal reasoning... Just remember to appreciate people who are always around us spiritually and mentally... Human don't live forever... He/She might just go off one day and you'll regret it for the rest of your life...
Be grateful and contented for what you have... Some of us may not be as lucky... We've to really strive for anything we want even though we know the end result may be fatal to us...
Cheers~~~
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Happy Dilemma???
An irony title eh... Happy and yet in a dilemma... How on earth can that happen.. Wonder why... Weird..So very weird..
Just a few weeks ago, I was sad not having someone to love again and not being loved anymore... Now, when there's a chance again, I'm afraid... Fear is chewing me down slowly and steadily...
It's nice to know someone cares for you... Someone who promise to be there for you... Someone who'll miss you and someone who treasures your company... Nevertheless, you feel insecure and scared that history will repeat again...
No doubt that you would want to give it a try, but you tend to shiver and tremble the moment you start to imagine if a new relationship is to bloom... What will happen in the future? Will it be a secured relationship? How sure are you? What is the probability of success... Mathematical computations can never ever solve this equation...
You are petrified as you feel it'll never work out... Okay.. Cut the crap.. My boss once said that I'm a complicated person... I shouldn't think too much and too far away... Maybe she's right, but on the other hand, I have to always think about what will happen in the future... Also, I tend to believe that I'll have a bleak and dark future ahead... Someone please knock my head (HIT IT HARD) if possible as I constantly think negatively...
The verdict is..... I'M STILL VERY AFRAID... Although there's much assurance given, my heart is so timid right now... My heart tells me to give myself and others a chance, but my mind (which is my rational side) is reiterating that I should rest, forget about the whole incident and just move on independently...
I hate to give a vague answer... Anyone who knows me would say I'm a blatant, transparent and a too straightforward person... I don't like to beat around the bush and will just say anything about how I feel... To anyone.. (Of course not to my boss la...)
If I say I like you, I mean it and if I dislike you, I'm DAMN sure about it!!! Well, again, it all boils down to me...
If you were me? What would you do? You have pleasant feelings and is very comfy to have someone nice around you.. And yet, you still FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN which I admit it's quite silly to behave that way...
Cheers~~~
Just a few weeks ago, I was sad not having someone to love again and not being loved anymore... Now, when there's a chance again, I'm afraid... Fear is chewing me down slowly and steadily...
It's nice to know someone cares for you... Someone who promise to be there for you... Someone who'll miss you and someone who treasures your company... Nevertheless, you feel insecure and scared that history will repeat again...
No doubt that you would want to give it a try, but you tend to shiver and tremble the moment you start to imagine if a new relationship is to bloom... What will happen in the future? Will it be a secured relationship? How sure are you? What is the probability of success... Mathematical computations can never ever solve this equation...
You are petrified as you feel it'll never work out... Okay.. Cut the crap.. My boss once said that I'm a complicated person... I shouldn't think too much and too far away... Maybe she's right, but on the other hand, I have to always think about what will happen in the future... Also, I tend to believe that I'll have a bleak and dark future ahead... Someone please knock my head (HIT IT HARD) if possible as I constantly think negatively...
The verdict is..... I'M STILL VERY AFRAID... Although there's much assurance given, my heart is so timid right now... My heart tells me to give myself and others a chance, but my mind (which is my rational side) is reiterating that I should rest, forget about the whole incident and just move on independently...
I hate to give a vague answer... Anyone who knows me would say I'm a blatant, transparent and a too straightforward person... I don't like to beat around the bush and will just say anything about how I feel... To anyone.. (Of course not to my boss la...)
If I say I like you, I mean it and if I dislike you, I'm DAMN sure about it!!! Well, again, it all boils down to me...
If you were me? What would you do? You have pleasant feelings and is very comfy to have someone nice around you.. And yet, you still FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN which I admit it's quite silly to behave that way...
Cheers~~~
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Nice weekend
As the name suggests, yup... I'd an enjoyable weekend... Mom made laksa...One of my favourite dishes... Overate again...Haiz.. But who cares anyway? I'm happy... Hehehe...
An outing with a highly positive and motivated person does help a lot... Honestly, I hate bookfairs... Cz I don't really like to read.. On the other hand, in order to improve myself, I have no other choice than to read... So, it's like take it or leave it.. Decide to take it anyway...
Also, it was my first time eating steamboat with porridge as the soup base... Yes, yes... I am so outdated... Agree... Very nice... Just that towards the end, the porridge overboiled and burnt.. Hahaha... Didn't turn out black though, just had this burning smell... Overall, the meal was great.. Steamboat on a rainy day... Perfect combination...
For more than half a year, I finally had the chance to watch a movie in cinema.. Although there weren't popcorn or snacks to go along with the movie, the most imporatant part was the company throughout the show... Didn't have to go alone after all... Was superbly happy... See... Actually I'm quite easily contented... Hahaha.. It's like giving a child candies and he'll be in seventh heaven...
On top of it.. I had McDonalds for lunch... It's a SIN!!!!!!!!!! Shouldn't have taken fast food but again, it was the company... As long as there's great companionship... Nice friend, nice food, nice movie, what else can I ask for more? I don't need Pepsi's slogan all the time...
Sigh.. I bought some books and only started reading a few pages... OK.. It's time to hit the books.. No time to waste anymore... Must upgrade myself... Hehehe...
Cheers~~~
An outing with a highly positive and motivated person does help a lot... Honestly, I hate bookfairs... Cz I don't really like to read.. On the other hand, in order to improve myself, I have no other choice than to read... So, it's like take it or leave it.. Decide to take it anyway...
Also, it was my first time eating steamboat with porridge as the soup base... Yes, yes... I am so outdated... Agree... Very nice... Just that towards the end, the porridge overboiled and burnt.. Hahaha... Didn't turn out black though, just had this burning smell... Overall, the meal was great.. Steamboat on a rainy day... Perfect combination...
For more than half a year, I finally had the chance to watch a movie in cinema.. Although there weren't popcorn or snacks to go along with the movie, the most imporatant part was the company throughout the show... Didn't have to go alone after all... Was superbly happy... See... Actually I'm quite easily contented... Hahaha.. It's like giving a child candies and he'll be in seventh heaven...
On top of it.. I had McDonalds for lunch... It's a SIN!!!!!!!!!! Shouldn't have taken fast food but again, it was the company... As long as there's great companionship... Nice friend, nice food, nice movie, what else can I ask for more? I don't need Pepsi's slogan all the time...
Sigh.. I bought some books and only started reading a few pages... OK.. It's time to hit the books.. No time to waste anymore... Must upgrade myself... Hehehe...
Cheers~~~
Friday, June 1, 2007
Happy & Happier...
Sigh.. After so long, I'm finally cured! Eureka! Eureka! Happy at last!!! Hahahaha...I can laugh my heart out...LOL...
Well, life isn't that miserable after all.. Life isn't that gloomy when there're people around who really truly cares.. If there isn't, just give ourselves a chance to venture out and meet genuine kind hearted people around us... There are...We only need to reach out and life will definitely be a better place...
I should be very angry and sad as I heard from a friend that there was a 3rd party in the relationship.. But what the heck?! I don't give a damn anymore... He can do what he likes cz I ain't gonna torture myself anymore...
Thinking back, I was f***ing stupid to wanting to end my life.. Yes, I admit at times I really do want to end my life but I can't bear to leave the people I love and treasure most right now... My parents, family, friends and MYSELF...
Okay.. Enough of that whining...Hehehe... Today I had a nice dinner with 3 gentlemen... Nice and successful people... Great company too...Hahaha...Don't get me wrong... I've no intention to rush into a relationship.. Just getting to know smarter and successful people.. And who do I thank? Well, someone who's named after a gas...Hahaha.. She should know if she's reading this.. She's a real babe...
On the other hand, there's someone very very nice.. He's always happy and cheerful even when he's down.. Accompanying me throughout the day via e-mail...So you see, there're MULTIPLE LOADS OF POSITIVE ENERGY.. Again, thank you very much to him.. He should also know if he's reading this..
On top of it, my colleagues are getting funny and funnier everyday... Especially those who are in my department.. Really have to thank them for numerous analogies and rational explanations they've given to me...
Hmm.. Can't wait to go out with someone really positive tomorrow.. Need a good night's rest.. I really hope to pen down my once pathetic but now happy life again... To anyone who's reading this, it's alright to feel awfully sad... Cry it out loud and move on with your life.. Cz there're really people who cares... Even if you feel there isn't, I will care for your well-being..
Whether you're dumped or just plainly upset about anything, life isn't that hopeless after all.. And never ever go back to the person that've neglected you.. Never ever... Why? Cz he/she's not worth it anymore.. Trust's broken... And please UPGRADE yourself.. Be smarter... Who told me this? It's the babe I mentioned... Learn more and you'll see the difference.. Widen and broaden your knowledge, not only your social life.. By the way, my Mandarin is improving tremendously...
My mom actually told me it's a good thing he dumped me... The reason was, he can't even afford to buy our house's toilet... Can you imagine this analogy? She reiterated that it isn't because he has no money or whatever, it's because he's very complacent and has never done anything to improve himself.. Till today, I admit his English really sucks even after working for quite some time.. The worse part was, my mom actually told me that she was thinking of buying a house for us if we were to get married.. OMG!!! My mom...
However, I wasn't brainwashed by those statements... I will never regret knowing him; just taking it as tough lesson to be learnt in life... And I will still not see money as the most important thing in life.. I can truly love someone who is not so financially independent provided if he's a person who's willing and not shy to improve himself.. Not a super duper lazy person... Someone who doesn't live in a nutshell... Wish me loads and lots of GOOD LUCK!!!
Cheers~~~
Well, life isn't that miserable after all.. Life isn't that gloomy when there're people around who really truly cares.. If there isn't, just give ourselves a chance to venture out and meet genuine kind hearted people around us... There are...We only need to reach out and life will definitely be a better place...
I should be very angry and sad as I heard from a friend that there was a 3rd party in the relationship.. But what the heck?! I don't give a damn anymore... He can do what he likes cz I ain't gonna torture myself anymore...
Thinking back, I was f***ing stupid to wanting to end my life.. Yes, I admit at times I really do want to end my life but I can't bear to leave the people I love and treasure most right now... My parents, family, friends and MYSELF...
Okay.. Enough of that whining...Hehehe... Today I had a nice dinner with 3 gentlemen... Nice and successful people... Great company too...Hahaha...Don't get me wrong... I've no intention to rush into a relationship.. Just getting to know smarter and successful people.. And who do I thank? Well, someone who's named after a gas...Hahaha.. She should know if she's reading this.. She's a real babe...
On the other hand, there's someone very very nice.. He's always happy and cheerful even when he's down.. Accompanying me throughout the day via e-mail...So you see, there're MULTIPLE LOADS OF POSITIVE ENERGY.. Again, thank you very much to him.. He should also know if he's reading this..
On top of it, my colleagues are getting funny and funnier everyday... Especially those who are in my department.. Really have to thank them for numerous analogies and rational explanations they've given to me...
Hmm.. Can't wait to go out with someone really positive tomorrow.. Need a good night's rest.. I really hope to pen down my once pathetic but now happy life again... To anyone who's reading this, it's alright to feel awfully sad... Cry it out loud and move on with your life.. Cz there're really people who cares... Even if you feel there isn't, I will care for your well-being..
Whether you're dumped or just plainly upset about anything, life isn't that hopeless after all.. And never ever go back to the person that've neglected you.. Never ever... Why? Cz he/she's not worth it anymore.. Trust's broken... And please UPGRADE yourself.. Be smarter... Who told me this? It's the babe I mentioned... Learn more and you'll see the difference.. Widen and broaden your knowledge, not only your social life.. By the way, my Mandarin is improving tremendously...
My mom actually told me it's a good thing he dumped me... The reason was, he can't even afford to buy our house's toilet... Can you imagine this analogy? She reiterated that it isn't because he has no money or whatever, it's because he's very complacent and has never done anything to improve himself.. Till today, I admit his English really sucks even after working for quite some time.. The worse part was, my mom actually told me that she was thinking of buying a house for us if we were to get married.. OMG!!! My mom...
However, I wasn't brainwashed by those statements... I will never regret knowing him; just taking it as tough lesson to be learnt in life... And I will still not see money as the most important thing in life.. I can truly love someone who is not so financially independent provided if he's a person who's willing and not shy to improve himself.. Not a super duper lazy person... Someone who doesn't live in a nutshell... Wish me loads and lots of GOOD LUCK!!!
Cheers~~~
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Being Happy
Nowadays, I'm starting to feel happy and contented with my life.. Why?? Cz there are people who actually care about my well-being.. Family, friends, colleagues and even my boss!!!But overall, there're 2 people in my life that had been giving me LOADS of positive energy & Making my days happy... You should know who you are if you're reading this.. Thank you very much.. Muakkssss..
My colleague, who's also my gym partner told me that I have already upgraded myself from a 'Talapia' fish to something better.. Still thinking of what fish I am right now...LOL...
On the other hand, she insisted that my ex is the 'Talapia' fish and I shouldn't go for freshwater fishes anymore.. Instead, I should be focusing on seawater fishes...HAHAHA.. That made me laugh so much...
Ok...The truth is, finally I can see some light shining at the end of the tunnel... It may not be very bright, but it's definitely getting brighter everyday...And I'm very proud of it... Yes, I can be bored during weekends, have nothing to do etc, but look on the bright side.. I've all the freedom.. Getting to be lazy and the best part is, I can go visit anyone I like and doing things that I like..
For instance, I can run on the treadmill like nobody's business, joining kickboxing classes without worrying to report to anyone again... Also, I don't have to worry about dragging someone who doesn't like to exercise, who doesn't care for his own health and being worried unnecessarily for his health... Honestly, now, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN if my ex partner's cholestrol level shoots up and attacked by a major stroke.. Hehehe...
Besides, I've bumped into one of my long lost friend in Friendster.. So very happy to be able to contact him again.. Hopefully he can forgive me for being a stubborn asshole...
Very nice to finally feel happy again...Not extremely happy la.. Just happy, healthy and contented... Life... Barely even 2 weeks after the "Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs" and I'm okay.. What an achievement... Bravo...
Cheers~~~
My colleague, who's also my gym partner told me that I have already upgraded myself from a 'Talapia' fish to something better.. Still thinking of what fish I am right now...LOL...
On the other hand, she insisted that my ex is the 'Talapia' fish and I shouldn't go for freshwater fishes anymore.. Instead, I should be focusing on seawater fishes...HAHAHA.. That made me laugh so much...
Ok...The truth is, finally I can see some light shining at the end of the tunnel... It may not be very bright, but it's definitely getting brighter everyday...And I'm very proud of it... Yes, I can be bored during weekends, have nothing to do etc, but look on the bright side.. I've all the freedom.. Getting to be lazy and the best part is, I can go visit anyone I like and doing things that I like..
For instance, I can run on the treadmill like nobody's business, joining kickboxing classes without worrying to report to anyone again... Also, I don't have to worry about dragging someone who doesn't like to exercise, who doesn't care for his own health and being worried unnecessarily for his health... Honestly, now, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN if my ex partner's cholestrol level shoots up and attacked by a major stroke.. Hehehe...
Besides, I've bumped into one of my long lost friend in Friendster.. So very happy to be able to contact him again.. Hopefully he can forgive me for being a stubborn asshole...
Very nice to finally feel happy again...Not extremely happy la.. Just happy, healthy and contented... Life... Barely even 2 weeks after the "Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs" and I'm okay.. What an achievement... Bravo...
Cheers~~~
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Contented
It should had been a great weekend for me as I had companies... A little bit of window shopping and having guests around made my weekend... Supposed to be...
Like yesterday, I finally had the chance to whip up something nice for dinner for my friends; although one of them didn't turn up... It was still great...
However, the back of my mind keeps telling me that it was useless as someone whom I truly love doesn't even want to dine with me anymore... No more tasting his favourite dishes, no more sharing his opinion on my cooking and etc...
As a matter of fact, I realized that my cooking had deteriorate... Why? Because there isn't much love in it... I'm trying so very hard to tell myself that my friends are giving me an opportunity and chance to motivate me again... And that's the most important aspect that I should be looking at.. No whining or fretting about the pathetic issue anymore...
It was great though, just not as great that it should had been... I'm still thinking when can I cook for someone whom I really love, besides my family? Will I have the chance? Or do you think I will never have the chance again? Hmm... Very subjective question...
Something struck me yesterday.... My friend said that we should be happy when we have a loving family even if we do not have much money... Yes, yes... I agree... I have a warm home and nice parents, although at times my dad can be quite irritating... But why do I still feel lonely? Shouldn't I be contented with my life? It isn't that miserable after all...
I feel that there's a missing part in my life..It's small, but it's impact is rather big though... Why? Cz it was once filled up and a leakage is occuring now, causing a bottleneck everywhere else.. Sometimes it goes haywire and sometimes not... Besides, it's a good analogy to describe my ongoing cuckoo emotions...
Anyway, I should be contented... Great family, nice friends and a debt free life (at the moment)...
Cheers...
Like yesterday, I finally had the chance to whip up something nice for dinner for my friends; although one of them didn't turn up... It was still great...
However, the back of my mind keeps telling me that it was useless as someone whom I truly love doesn't even want to dine with me anymore... No more tasting his favourite dishes, no more sharing his opinion on my cooking and etc...
As a matter of fact, I realized that my cooking had deteriorate... Why? Because there isn't much love in it... I'm trying so very hard to tell myself that my friends are giving me an opportunity and chance to motivate me again... And that's the most important aspect that I should be looking at.. No whining or fretting about the pathetic issue anymore...
It was great though, just not as great that it should had been... I'm still thinking when can I cook for someone whom I really love, besides my family? Will I have the chance? Or do you think I will never have the chance again? Hmm... Very subjective question...
Something struck me yesterday.... My friend said that we should be happy when we have a loving family even if we do not have much money... Yes, yes... I agree... I have a warm home and nice parents, although at times my dad can be quite irritating... But why do I still feel lonely? Shouldn't I be contented with my life? It isn't that miserable after all...
I feel that there's a missing part in my life..It's small, but it's impact is rather big though... Why? Cz it was once filled up and a leakage is occuring now, causing a bottleneck everywhere else.. Sometimes it goes haywire and sometimes not... Besides, it's a good analogy to describe my ongoing cuckoo emotions...
Anyway, I should be contented... Great family, nice friends and a debt free life (at the moment)...
Cheers...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Emotionally Drained
I'm exteremely exhausted... Tired of being too harsh on myself... At the same time, I can't stop thinking what went wrong at the first place... My friend highlighted that it is not necessary to get into those details... What has happened had already took place and there is no turning back.. True.. I agree with her but still, I can't ask my mind to stop thinking about it..
When I reflect back, I would have made mistakes too... And maybe mistakes that I cannot and will never be able to rectify... Is it wrong to protect and give unconditionally to someone you truly love? It is very subjective eh...
I seriously believe that if you were to love someone, you will definitely go all out, by hook or by crook to love him/her without hesitation... But at the end, the result may be like this... Not appreciated and not loved anymore...
In my previous blogs, I did mention that good doesn't always begets good... And in this scenario, 'It' seriously doesn't know how to value and appreciate a relationship... Deep down, I know that 'It' will never get another person like me.. Not trying to boast... I can be considered an endagered KL species that behave this way... Kinda orthodox... There are people like me, but only a handful of them... Women these days normally put career or family first before their spouse...
Of course, when we already have something, we don't really know how to appreciate and be contented... Instead, we always ask for more... We will only realize the missing part after a while and when that happens, it is always too late... Definitely, I wouldn't want to be an asshole who behaves that way...
My mom told me that it was 'Its' sister who asked 'It' to break off with me as soon as possible... There's a Chinese saying 'Better short pain than long pain'... Yes, I agree with her.. But doesn't she realize I wasn't given a chance? She should know it better...
You see, she was once dumped by her current husband.. Initially, her husband found another woman and he just took everything from the house they were living together... She was sad too.. And till today, I still cannot believe as a woman herself, she should know the pain and agony that it would cause to me.. But, she didn't give a damn and encouraged 'It' to take a brutal way... Come'n la... You weren't given a chance in the past and you are asking your own brother to do that...
It's not that I'm blaming her.. I am very puzzled to know that it was her suggestion.. After all, we are women... She should know better too as she's more matured (which now I dont think so)... Also, no one can force someone to do anything so 'It' is just cold-blooded.. Now you know why I always use 'It' instead of 'him'...
People should realize that everyone deserve a chance no matter what happens... If there isn't, every husband and wife would immediately divorce each other without trying to reconcile differences first... Then what is the meaning of marriage and death till us apart???
Anyway, I am totally disappointed and emotionally drained... However, I will keep telling myself that it's okay to fret and be sad now... And since 'It' doesn't want to be friends, which I feel that it is so childish, then be it....
Every dog has its day... I believe that 'It' and 'Its' sister will definitely have to payback for their deeds they had done.. Whatever comes around goes around...Although my colleague made fun that we are not dogs... But the principle applies to everyone... Whether you are a dog, cat, human or whatever...
Cheers...
When I reflect back, I would have made mistakes too... And maybe mistakes that I cannot and will never be able to rectify... Is it wrong to protect and give unconditionally to someone you truly love? It is very subjective eh...
I seriously believe that if you were to love someone, you will definitely go all out, by hook or by crook to love him/her without hesitation... But at the end, the result may be like this... Not appreciated and not loved anymore...
In my previous blogs, I did mention that good doesn't always begets good... And in this scenario, 'It' seriously doesn't know how to value and appreciate a relationship... Deep down, I know that 'It' will never get another person like me.. Not trying to boast... I can be considered an endagered KL species that behave this way... Kinda orthodox... There are people like me, but only a handful of them... Women these days normally put career or family first before their spouse...
Of course, when we already have something, we don't really know how to appreciate and be contented... Instead, we always ask for more... We will only realize the missing part after a while and when that happens, it is always too late... Definitely, I wouldn't want to be an asshole who behaves that way...
My mom told me that it was 'Its' sister who asked 'It' to break off with me as soon as possible... There's a Chinese saying 'Better short pain than long pain'... Yes, I agree with her.. But doesn't she realize I wasn't given a chance? She should know it better...
You see, she was once dumped by her current husband.. Initially, her husband found another woman and he just took everything from the house they were living together... She was sad too.. And till today, I still cannot believe as a woman herself, she should know the pain and agony that it would cause to me.. But, she didn't give a damn and encouraged 'It' to take a brutal way... Come'n la... You weren't given a chance in the past and you are asking your own brother to do that...
It's not that I'm blaming her.. I am very puzzled to know that it was her suggestion.. After all, we are women... She should know better too as she's more matured (which now I dont think so)... Also, no one can force someone to do anything so 'It' is just cold-blooded.. Now you know why I always use 'It' instead of 'him'...
People should realize that everyone deserve a chance no matter what happens... If there isn't, every husband and wife would immediately divorce each other without trying to reconcile differences first... Then what is the meaning of marriage and death till us apart???
Anyway, I am totally disappointed and emotionally drained... However, I will keep telling myself that it's okay to fret and be sad now... And since 'It' doesn't want to be friends, which I feel that it is so childish, then be it....
Every dog has its day... I believe that 'It' and 'Its' sister will definitely have to payback for their deeds they had done.. Whatever comes around goes around...Although my colleague made fun that we are not dogs... But the principle applies to everyone... Whether you are a dog, cat, human or whatever...
Cheers...
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs
It was on my sister's birthday when I felt extremely gloomy as I thought about why I wasn't given a chance... That very night, I bought Panadols waiting for the right time to leave... My world was shattered, and I couldn't handle my emotions anymore...
After having a scrumptious dinner with my beloved family, I was ready to leave once and for all... With me around, my family and friends will have a hard time giving me advise and I didn't want to burden them anymore...
There were a few unexpected sms from friends and I just told them to take care of themselves... Although I know I can't care for myself, I genuinely wanted them to lead a meaningful life unlike mine...
And again, my good friend managed to pull me away from the goddess of death... And that night, I bursted out the truth to my mom... To my surprise, she forgave me and told me that everyone makes mistakes.. That very moment, I felt relieve for a while...
The next day, 'It' called and say 'It' wanted to meet me after work... For once, I thought I was given a chance.... However, it was worse than a scary nightmare during a fiery thunderstorm...
'It' blurted out that 'It' didn't have any feelings for me anymore and there were many nasty reasons behind it too... I repeatedly asked what was my mistakes but 'It' said that I didn't do anything wrong...
The final blow to my face was when I asked 'It' this question:-
"If we were married and have a child now, would you just leave us behind just because you don't have any feelings for me anymore?"
And 'It' said:-
'Yes... I am just like any other guy!"
As a usual crybaby, I pathetically cried non-stop and almost gone insane... How on earth can someone that I had loved UNCONDITIONALLY uttered those inhumane words!!! On top of it, 'It' insisted that we cannot remain as friends, but agreed after seeing me crying... But deep down inside, I knew 'It' didn't mean it... Till now, 'It' doesn't even bother to sms or call asking how am I doing... Friends?? I don't think so...
'It' even went to my MOM'S OFFICE telling her that I was in bad shape and kept apologizing... 'It' also told my mom that 'It' doesn't want to see me for the rest of 'its' life and that 'It' is no longer my friend...
Okay... How RUDE that was... And my mom and I could still take it... I am suppose to hate 'It' but I can't... 'It' even told me to find someone else, don't ever wait for 'It' to come back cz 'It' doesnt and never will plan to do so.. Besides, 'It' kept saying 'It' isn't a good person...
The ultimate blow was when 'It' said 'It' has lost feelings for me a LONG TIME AGO... But I can't figure it out... How could that be? How can 'It' didn't like me but 'It' still hugged, kissed and treated me well? 'It' kept saying that 'It' was actually giving 'itself' a chance...
Come'n... That's bull shit-ting... Why didn't 'It' tell me in the first place? Why wasn't that properly communicated to me? See what I mean that I wasn't given a chance?
It's 5 months since our seperation...And after 5 years of relationship, I feel that I have totally wasted my time and effort in the relationship... I truly have contributed a lot and loved 'It' UNCONDITIONALLY even though I wasn't appreciated at all... Why again?? Cz I can say I am blindly in love and I don't like changing partners.... Loyal eh??? I was thinking if 'It' were to hit me, I would still love 'It' from the bottom of my heart...
Nevertheless, the unkind words that 'It' uttered demoralized me... It made me feel like a cheapskate whore and a worthless person... No matter how hard I tried to work things out, 'It' didn't want to give our relationship a chance...
I won't regret loving this person... Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt... Now, I am saving all my love and energy to someone that truly deserves it... I still want to UNCONDITONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY love someone in the future... (Only if I have the chance).... This will be my lesson... 'It' had downgraded and humiliated 'Men'.... But I am sure there're still endangered species out there who are nice, loyal and loving...
To anyone who's reading this, no matter whether you are a man or a woman, please don't treat your lovers like shit... Appreciate and value them for what they've done for you... Cz, you wouldn't know what it feels until you have lost them...
I am on the rational side now... It's tough, but I'm trying my best to survive and be positive... After all, I'm saving all my love for someone else... And I will give all my AFFECTION and DEVOTION to my other half (if any in the future) more than that I've contributed to 'It'...
Cheers & Wish me luck...
After having a scrumptious dinner with my beloved family, I was ready to leave once and for all... With me around, my family and friends will have a hard time giving me advise and I didn't want to burden them anymore...
There were a few unexpected sms from friends and I just told them to take care of themselves... Although I know I can't care for myself, I genuinely wanted them to lead a meaningful life unlike mine...
And again, my good friend managed to pull me away from the goddess of death... And that night, I bursted out the truth to my mom... To my surprise, she forgave me and told me that everyone makes mistakes.. That very moment, I felt relieve for a while...
The next day, 'It' called and say 'It' wanted to meet me after work... For once, I thought I was given a chance.... However, it was worse than a scary nightmare during a fiery thunderstorm...
'It' blurted out that 'It' didn't have any feelings for me anymore and there were many nasty reasons behind it too... I repeatedly asked what was my mistakes but 'It' said that I didn't do anything wrong...
The final blow to my face was when I asked 'It' this question:-
"If we were married and have a child now, would you just leave us behind just because you don't have any feelings for me anymore?"
And 'It' said:-
'Yes... I am just like any other guy!"
As a usual crybaby, I pathetically cried non-stop and almost gone insane... How on earth can someone that I had loved UNCONDITIONALLY uttered those inhumane words!!! On top of it, 'It' insisted that we cannot remain as friends, but agreed after seeing me crying... But deep down inside, I knew 'It' didn't mean it... Till now, 'It' doesn't even bother to sms or call asking how am I doing... Friends?? I don't think so...
'It' even went to my MOM'S OFFICE telling her that I was in bad shape and kept apologizing... 'It' also told my mom that 'It' doesn't want to see me for the rest of 'its' life and that 'It' is no longer my friend...
Okay... How RUDE that was... And my mom and I could still take it... I am suppose to hate 'It' but I can't... 'It' even told me to find someone else, don't ever wait for 'It' to come back cz 'It' doesnt and never will plan to do so.. Besides, 'It' kept saying 'It' isn't a good person...
The ultimate blow was when 'It' said 'It' has lost feelings for me a LONG TIME AGO... But I can't figure it out... How could that be? How can 'It' didn't like me but 'It' still hugged, kissed and treated me well? 'It' kept saying that 'It' was actually giving 'itself' a chance...
Come'n... That's bull shit-ting... Why didn't 'It' tell me in the first place? Why wasn't that properly communicated to me? See what I mean that I wasn't given a chance?
It's 5 months since our seperation...And after 5 years of relationship, I feel that I have totally wasted my time and effort in the relationship... I truly have contributed a lot and loved 'It' UNCONDITIONALLY even though I wasn't appreciated at all... Why again?? Cz I can say I am blindly in love and I don't like changing partners.... Loyal eh??? I was thinking if 'It' were to hit me, I would still love 'It' from the bottom of my heart...
Nevertheless, the unkind words that 'It' uttered demoralized me... It made me feel like a cheapskate whore and a worthless person... No matter how hard I tried to work things out, 'It' didn't want to give our relationship a chance...
I won't regret loving this person... Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt... Now, I am saving all my love and energy to someone that truly deserves it... I still want to UNCONDITONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY love someone in the future... (Only if I have the chance).... This will be my lesson... 'It' had downgraded and humiliated 'Men'.... But I am sure there're still endangered species out there who are nice, loyal and loving...
To anyone who's reading this, no matter whether you are a man or a woman, please don't treat your lovers like shit... Appreciate and value them for what they've done for you... Cz, you wouldn't know what it feels until you have lost them...
I am on the rational side now... It's tough, but I'm trying my best to survive and be positive... After all, I'm saving all my love for someone else... And I will give all my AFFECTION and DEVOTION to my other half (if any in the future) more than that I've contributed to 'It'...
Cheers & Wish me luck...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I Almost Died
Yes... As the name suggests, I almost died today... One slight, tiny slip, it would've been a fatal fall... At that split second, I wasn't scared at all... I was totally lost, disappointed and depressed with the life I'm having...
Do you seriously think I would want to die? Would I choose to die? Of course not... But it's the emotional turbulence that's conquering my soul... Suddenly, I thought of my good friend's advise... Even if I really wanted to die, I should choose the correct way... Or else, I would suffer for the rest of life if I weren't dead...
Ok... So I told myself I would just try one last time... This last is my final try.... I've managed to convince 'It' to go through the session with me together... Seriously, 'It' needs counselling too! 'It' has to bear some of the responsibilities and hopefully, 'It' would get everything off its chest once and for all...
My friend told me that 'It' is afraid of me... And I think she's right... Even 'It' had blurted out a few times...Why? Because I look terrible... Totally bad shape... Also, 'It' has also lost itself although 'It' may not want to admit...
She really opened up my thoughts for a while... 'It' is scared to hurt me again... A coward who is never willing to change and will only live for 'Itself' without considering others... She mentioned that if I can live for myself, change my lifestyle, only then there can be a chance in our relationship... It sounds so easy and plain simple...
However, the question that keep popping in my head is:- "How long can I go on like this?" We agreed to have a session after 'It' has the time... The waiting period may be too long for my injured, sick and hurt soul to cope... I'm just hoping that the appointment can be scheduled to the soonest...
I'm so afraid if it still fails... Yes, I sound pessimistic all the time... But who was the one who had pushed me to the edge of the cliff? Everyone says that no one can hurt you but yourself, but do they realize that not everyone is able to conquer their negative thoughts? Every soul is different... Some may recuperate whereas some may not... And I know I'm more towards death as I can't see any future ahead no matter how hard I tried...
'It' keeps telling me it's not right as I still have my family and friends... I just only wish to tell 'It'... "When a person is suffering from depression, they can neither see nor feel the future... They only cling on to the past and view the present..."
Cheers...
Do you seriously think I would want to die? Would I choose to die? Of course not... But it's the emotional turbulence that's conquering my soul... Suddenly, I thought of my good friend's advise... Even if I really wanted to die, I should choose the correct way... Or else, I would suffer for the rest of life if I weren't dead...
Ok... So I told myself I would just try one last time... This last is my final try.... I've managed to convince 'It' to go through the session with me together... Seriously, 'It' needs counselling too! 'It' has to bear some of the responsibilities and hopefully, 'It' would get everything off its chest once and for all...
My friend told me that 'It' is afraid of me... And I think she's right... Even 'It' had blurted out a few times...Why? Because I look terrible... Totally bad shape... Also, 'It' has also lost itself although 'It' may not want to admit...
She really opened up my thoughts for a while... 'It' is scared to hurt me again... A coward who is never willing to change and will only live for 'Itself' without considering others... She mentioned that if I can live for myself, change my lifestyle, only then there can be a chance in our relationship... It sounds so easy and plain simple...
However, the question that keep popping in my head is:- "How long can I go on like this?" We agreed to have a session after 'It' has the time... The waiting period may be too long for my injured, sick and hurt soul to cope... I'm just hoping that the appointment can be scheduled to the soonest...
I'm so afraid if it still fails... Yes, I sound pessimistic all the time... But who was the one who had pushed me to the edge of the cliff? Everyone says that no one can hurt you but yourself, but do they realize that not everyone is able to conquer their negative thoughts? Every soul is different... Some may recuperate whereas some may not... And I know I'm more towards death as I can't see any future ahead no matter how hard I tried...
'It' keeps telling me it's not right as I still have my family and friends... I just only wish to tell 'It'... "When a person is suffering from depression, they can neither see nor feel the future... They only cling on to the past and view the present..."
Cheers...
Friday, May 11, 2007
I Can't Take All The Blame...
I keep contemplating whether I really need professional help.. Whether I should really see a psychologist like 'It' suggested...
But why am I the only one who should be seeking professional help? Why isn't 'It' going with me together as a couple in the session to work things out? Why am I taking all the responsibilty? Just because I plan to leave this world? Is 'It' sure that I should be the only person to attend the session?
See... 'It' doesn't even care or bother to reconcile differences... 'It' doesn't value the meaning of relationship; being together, living as a united couple... I cannot be the only one to seek treatment... What causes this to happen? 'It' should bear some of the responsibility
People just cant fall out of love because of nothing... There must be a reason... 'It' said 'It' had tried to have feelings for me, but 'It' failed... Did 'It' really try hard? I personally don't think so... How much time and effort did 'It' put in? Did 'It' told me how 'It' really feel?
From the beginning, I knew that 'It' was a quiet person but as a partner, we should've communicated better... I had always done the talking but 'It' seldom and rarely shares how 'It' felt about anything... To 'It', I was some sort of semi-transparent...
If 'It' had sense that there was something wrong in the relationship, 'It' should had taken the both of us for couselling...
Life isn't just about yourself... 'It' keeps saying that I'm forcing 'It' by threatening to leave... But 'It' doesn't know that this isn't the reason... I'm tired for having to revive our relationship by creating excitement... Has 'It' done that? If yes, can 'It' proof it to me??-NO-
'It' is just to selfish and self-centered... 'It' makes me look that I'm the guilty one by saying I had overdone things... Well, if 'It' had already knew it for a long time, like I said, 'It' would arrange a counselling session for the both of us... Not just me alone... Is this enough proof that 'It' has not appreciated this relationship? I think it is...
Cheers & Goodbye....I shall be off soon...
But why am I the only one who should be seeking professional help? Why isn't 'It' going with me together as a couple in the session to work things out? Why am I taking all the responsibilty? Just because I plan to leave this world? Is 'It' sure that I should be the only person to attend the session?
See... 'It' doesn't even care or bother to reconcile differences... 'It' doesn't value the meaning of relationship; being together, living as a united couple... I cannot be the only one to seek treatment... What causes this to happen? 'It' should bear some of the responsibility
People just cant fall out of love because of nothing... There must be a reason... 'It' said 'It' had tried to have feelings for me, but 'It' failed... Did 'It' really try hard? I personally don't think so... How much time and effort did 'It' put in? Did 'It' told me how 'It' really feel?
From the beginning, I knew that 'It' was a quiet person but as a partner, we should've communicated better... I had always done the talking but 'It' seldom and rarely shares how 'It' felt about anything... To 'It', I was some sort of semi-transparent...
If 'It' had sense that there was something wrong in the relationship, 'It' should had taken the both of us for couselling...
Life isn't just about yourself... 'It' keeps saying that I'm forcing 'It' by threatening to leave... But 'It' doesn't know that this isn't the reason... I'm tired for having to revive our relationship by creating excitement... Has 'It' done that? If yes, can 'It' proof it to me??-NO-
'It' is just to selfish and self-centered... 'It' makes me look that I'm the guilty one by saying I had overdone things... Well, if 'It' had already knew it for a long time, like I said, 'It' would arrange a counselling session for the both of us... Not just me alone... Is this enough proof that 'It' has not appreciated this relationship? I think it is...
Cheers & Goodbye....I shall be off soon...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Leaving...
Days are crawling... And it isn't fun... Although I had a karaoke session last night, my good friend suddenly told me something shocking and that would make a drastic change in her and my life... The worse part is that I cant help her... I'm in a slump now, and I hate myself for not being able to help her...
Something is living inside her which will eventually make her weak and fragile... It's not that she doesn't want to get rid of it, it's just that it can't go off... A time bomb is ticking and she may just leave anytime... And I can't do anything about it...
At times, I feel that I'm bringing lots of bad luck to people around me... In high school, good friends left me one by one... Then, 'It' left me... Now, it's a person who I can share my thoughts, visions and someone who really cares unconditionally has to go...
I'm ready anytime.. Life's useless.... Totally useless if a chance isn't given to us... Does she have a chance? -NO- Do I have a chance? -NO-
No matter how hard we try, we seem to fail... Honestly, I can't get up anymore... Most people would say everything is possible if we try, but I would say;- action speaks louder than words... They can talk all they want but at the end, they can't even do what they say... So just forget it...
I will definitely leave once most things are completed as I realized nothing can be finished... Just have to deal with it personally and I hope I can leave with a total peace of mind...
Remember... we are different... Our experiences differ... So don't compare... It only makes things worse... I may be a lunatic but as long as I feel what's best for me, I will do it, no matter what it takes...
Cheers and Goodbye~~
Something is living inside her which will eventually make her weak and fragile... It's not that she doesn't want to get rid of it, it's just that it can't go off... A time bomb is ticking and she may just leave anytime... And I can't do anything about it...
At times, I feel that I'm bringing lots of bad luck to people around me... In high school, good friends left me one by one... Then, 'It' left me... Now, it's a person who I can share my thoughts, visions and someone who really cares unconditionally has to go...
I'm ready anytime.. Life's useless.... Totally useless if a chance isn't given to us... Does she have a chance? -NO- Do I have a chance? -NO-
No matter how hard we try, we seem to fail... Honestly, I can't get up anymore... Most people would say everything is possible if we try, but I would say;- action speaks louder than words... They can talk all they want but at the end, they can't even do what they say... So just forget it...
I will definitely leave once most things are completed as I realized nothing can be finished... Just have to deal with it personally and I hope I can leave with a total peace of mind...
Remember... we are different... Our experiences differ... So don't compare... It only makes things worse... I may be a lunatic but as long as I feel what's best for me, I will do it, no matter what it takes...
Cheers and Goodbye~~
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