Forgiving and Forgetting???

After a long break, I finally decided to pen something down.. Something that had been at the back of my head, buried deep down in my subconscious mind... Questions that keep popping up in my head, questions that don't have to be answered, dying to be kept beneath and yet they are still forcing me to search for an answer...

Discontented, hatred and delusion... Does it bother me right now? Honestly, I totally have no idea... Lost again...So lost... Forgiving and forgetting... Yes, I've fogave but forgetting isn't gonna work right now...

Why on earth did he not visit me when I was in hospital? Even as a good friend, he should have... His office was only 10 minutes away... I was admitted for a whole week, in much pain, agony and discomfort, and yet he wasn't even there to console me.. Not even as a friend...

I had a total of 3 needles on my right hand, one huge IV drip just below my neck, 3 (2 big and 1 small) DRAINAGES embedded into my chest (when the doctor took it out, it looked exactly like 'ALIENS TENTACLES'- huge and long) to remove 'dirty blood'; and one tube inserted in 'you know where' (to urinate)..

I couldn't move or talk much... The 15cm incision was painful... My entire neck, shoulder blades and chest was excruciating painful... It was worse that labour pain (someone had already verified it)...

And yet, why was he so cruel? Or can I look at the bright side? Maybe he was scared to see me in that shit.. Afraid of pitying me and wanting me again? Should I make this kinda remark? Should I think this way to please and comfort myself? Should I??? Lame excuses like he was busy and had no time... Do you think anyone could take this kinda stupid excuses?

For the entire one and a half months, he only visited me when I asked him to... The most he sat down was only half an hour... Do you think he should deserve a big slap? Yes? No? Is he cold-blooded? Yes? No? Or does he deserve something more than a big slap on his cheek??? Occassioanally, until today, I still suffer from stiff neck, shoulders and discomfort on my chest especially when I'm sleeping...

I forgive him.. Really.. But I will never forget what he had done.. Also, I will never ever forget something that happened 4 years ago that had a deep impact in me...Will forgive but never forget... Why? Do you think I have the chance to forget? Do you think it's possible? If anyone says 'YES', obviously I think he/she's lying... Unless if I'm suffering from amnesia...Probably it would help then...

One problem led to another... Now, someone is treating me so very nice, and it's unavoidable.. I've no idea what to do next? What should be my next step? My family, my mom and dad doesn't understand me.. They think I'm a desperado... So against my decisions... Practically, they want to decide for me although theoretically they said no.. But if I don't listen to them, they'll scold and give me a hard time...

The best way is to leave.. But don't get me wrong... I won't die.. I'm scared to die now.. I haven't accomplished anything yet.. I haven't done all the things that I wanted to do so much previously...

If I've the chance to go somewhere, it has to be quick... I can't be stuck here... I hate to feel lost and demotivated again... The only thing I can do is to study... Maybe get a Masters degree.. I want to improve myself... I want to feel good again... The opportunity is coming.. Just have to be patient and for wait another week... I can feel it.. The only thing that's holding it back is- MONEY and TIME... I don't want to spend so much of my family's savings just to pursue my interest... And I don't want them to wait for me so long to see me bearing 'good and healthy' fruits...

Leaving is the best option.. If I don't get to do it, I'll be so lost.. I'll be stuck in a huge dilemma.. I've already made huge mistakes and yet I still make the same blunder... Too impatient... Too rush.. I rush into things quite easily.. That's what my parents said.. But I don't think so... If only I had their blessings, I would definitely give myself another chance and be proud of it..

At the moment, my mom will never understand what I want.. Everyone wants it their way... But did anyone asked "WHAT I WANT???" My parents always say that they give me so much freedom to choose what I want but like I said earlier..I've to comply to them or else they'll give me a hard time...

Why CAN'T I DECIDE WHAT I WANT AND THEY CAN SUPPORT ME THROUGHOUT MY JOURNEY??? WHY DO THEY NEED TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME??? I try to be super honest with my parents and I think it's a wrong decision.. Can you imagine I'm already a grown up and yet my mom is still treating me like a 16-year old????

She's too over-protective.. Luckily I'm a person who'll fight for my rights.. Unlike my sister, she won't... And see what has happened to her now? I don't blame my mom for that.. It's just that her way of loving may not be suitable for us... Different people have different way of bringing up their children.. They think that it's the best for them but at the end, it doesn't always work that way... It may BACKFIRE... Lesson to be learnt for future parents...

Okay.. Coming back to the topic, I don't know whether to accept this nice gentleman who's currently treating me like his princess (although I don't look like one- Hahaha) whole-heartedly or how... I can't keep dragging it on like that... I need a firm decision... If I'm too firm, he'll be hurt.. I hate hurting people... I do miss him a lot...Believe me.. Love his company but I don't know whether it's alright to go on when I'm still healing...

The only answer that I have now is I know I'm unable to love him with all my heart and soul at this present moment.. I don't know what can happen in the future and I don't even dare to think about it... I'm such a bitch.. Worse than that.. A SUPER BITCH... Giving false hope to others...

Someone please knock my head and wake me up... Currently I'm still in deep sleep and I'm dreaming I'm in a roller-coaster that won't stop... Everything is happening so fast.. So fast till it seems that there's no way to stop... No escape...TRAPPED...

Anyway, I feel much much better these days.. I don't easily feel down or irritated.. Just quite demotivated.. It's like having a hangover.. Am sick today but I'll be fine the next day... I've to set a clear picture of what I want out of my life and make it happen...

Cheers~~~

Contented?

Till date, I've managed to put everything down slowly... Literally... Things've changed, people have evolved into better beings... Everything seems different from a certain point of view...

Well, my perceptions are usually not accurate as I don't perceive anything just like that.. Kinda complicated.. When I ponder on one issue, I'll think about what it leads to...and the lists keep going on and on without halting..

There won't be any words such as DEFINITE, WILL BE and PROMISE in my vocabulary right now... Why? Because things don't work that way... Say for example, I can promise you something in the beginning and I'm unable to deliver the result... Also, I can reiterate that an issue will be addressed in a way that the end result will be a positive one... However, who can guarantee that? Me? You? God?

Question are always open ended.. Even mathematical equations are... Even if 1+1=2, some may say that's 1+1=11... Logically, the answer should be 2 but illogically, it can also be 11... At the end of the day, you are the one who'll determine the answer...

When you treat someone whole-heartedly, it doesn't mean that it'll be RECIPROCATED... Why? People tend to be greedy all the time, although you may not realize it.. Always wanting more... Thinking back, Pepsi's slogan really has a deep significant meaning into our daily lifes.. Hahaha...

So, when you know that it doesn't work that way, you would start to give only half of your effort into it and hope you would still get what you want... The best part is, when you already have something in hand, you would tend to forget about it and take things from granted...That's HUMAN...

Don't believe me? When was the last time you kissed you mom besides mother's day eh??? Or when was the last time you praised her?? I'm pretty sure most of us have taken it for granted because we know our mothers will be there for us no matter what... We know she'll always be there, hence, we don't really need to show our affection to her.. But that's so wrong...

It applies into everything... Our love life, our job and also on our own personal reasoning... Just remember to appreciate people who are always around us spiritually and mentally... Human don't live forever... He/She might just go off one day and you'll regret it for the rest of your life...

Be grateful and contented for what you have... Some of us may not be as lucky... We've to really strive for anything we want even though we know the end result may be fatal to us...

Cheers~~~

Happy Dilemma???

An irony title eh... Happy and yet in a dilemma... How on earth can that happen.. Wonder why... Weird..So very weird..

Just a few weeks ago, I was sad not having someone to love again and not being loved anymore... Now, when there's a chance again, I'm afraid... Fear is chewing me down slowly and steadily...

It's nice to know someone cares for you... Someone who promise to be there for you... Someone who'll miss you and someone who treasures your company... Nevertheless, you feel insecure and scared that history will repeat again...

No doubt that you would want to give it a try, but you tend to shiver and tremble the moment you start to imagine if a new relationship is to bloom... What will happen in the future? Will it be a secured relationship? How sure are you? What is the probability of success... Mathematical computations can never ever solve this equation...

You are petrified as you feel it'll never work out... Okay.. Cut the crap.. My boss once said that I'm a complicated person... I shouldn't think too much and too far away... Maybe she's right, but on the other hand, I have to always think about what will happen in the future... Also, I tend to believe that I'll have a bleak and dark future ahead... Someone please knock my head (HIT IT HARD) if possible as I constantly think negatively...

The verdict is..... I'M STILL VERY AFRAID... Although there's much assurance given, my heart is so timid right now... My heart tells me to give myself and others a chance, but my mind (which is my rational side) is reiterating that I should rest, forget about the whole incident and just move on independently...

I hate to give a vague answer... Anyone who knows me would say I'm a blatant, transparent and a too straightforward person... I don't like to beat around the bush and will just say anything about how I feel... To anyone.. (Of course not to my boss la...)

If I say I like you, I mean it and if I dislike you, I'm DAMN sure about it!!! Well, again, it all boils down to me...

If you were me? What would you do? You have pleasant feelings and is very comfy to have someone nice around you.. And yet, you still FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN which I admit it's quite silly to behave that way...

Cheers~~~

Nice weekend

As the name suggests, yup... I'd an enjoyable weekend... Mom made laksa...One of my favourite dishes... Overate again...Haiz.. But who cares anyway? I'm happy... Hehehe...

An outing with a highly positive and motivated person does help a lot... Honestly, I hate bookfairs... Cz I don't really like to read.. On the other hand, in order to improve myself, I have no other choice than to read... So, it's like take it or leave it.. Decide to take it anyway...

Also, it was my first time eating steamboat with porridge as the soup base... Yes, yes... I am so outdated... Agree... Very nice... Just that towards the end, the porridge overboiled and burnt.. Hahaha... Didn't turn out black though, just had this burning smell... Overall, the meal was great.. Steamboat on a rainy day... Perfect combination...

For more than half a year, I finally had the chance to watch a movie in cinema.. Although there weren't popcorn or snacks to go along with the movie, the most imporatant part was the company throughout the show... Didn't have to go alone after all... Was superbly happy... See... Actually I'm quite easily contented... Hahaha.. It's like giving a child candies and he'll be in seventh heaven...

On top of it.. I had McDonalds for lunch... It's a SIN!!!!!!!!!! Shouldn't have taken fast food but again, it was the company... As long as there's great companionship... Nice friend, nice food, nice movie, what else can I ask for more? I don't need Pepsi's slogan all the time...

Sigh.. I bought some books and only started reading a few pages... OK.. It's time to hit the books.. No time to waste anymore... Must upgrade myself... Hehehe...

Cheers~~~

Happy & Happier...

Sigh.. After so long, I'm finally cured! Eureka! Eureka! Happy at last!!! Hahahaha...I can laugh my heart out...LOL...

Well, life isn't that miserable after all.. Life isn't that gloomy when there're people around who really truly cares.. If there isn't, just give ourselves a chance to venture out and meet genuine kind hearted people around us... There are...We only need to reach out and life will definitely be a better place...

I should be very angry and sad as I heard from a friend that there was a 3rd party in the relationship.. But what the heck?! I don't give a damn anymore... He can do what he likes cz I ain't gonna torture myself anymore...

Thinking back, I was f***ing stupid to wanting to end my life.. Yes, I admit at times I really do want to end my life but I can't bear to leave the people I love and treasure most right now... My parents, family, friends and MYSELF...

Okay.. Enough of that whining...Hehehe... Today I had a nice dinner with 3 gentlemen... Nice and successful people... Great company too...Hahaha...Don't get me wrong... I've no intention to rush into a relationship.. Just getting to know smarter and successful people.. And who do I thank? Well, someone who's named after a gas...Hahaha.. She should know if she's reading this.. She's a real babe...

On the other hand, there's someone very very nice.. He's always happy and cheerful even when he's down.. Accompanying me throughout the day via e-mail...So you see, there're MULTIPLE LOADS OF POSITIVE ENERGY.. Again, thank you very much to him.. He should also know if he's reading this..

On top of it, my colleagues are getting funny and funnier everyday... Especially those who are in my department.. Really have to thank them for numerous analogies and rational explanations they've given to me...

Hmm.. Can't wait to go out with someone really positive tomorrow.. Need a good night's rest.. I really hope to pen down my once pathetic but now happy life again... To anyone who's reading this, it's alright to feel awfully sad... Cry it out loud and move on with your life.. Cz there're really people who cares... Even if you feel there isn't, I will care for your well-being..

Whether you're dumped or just plainly upset about anything, life isn't that hopeless after all.. And never ever go back to the person that've neglected you.. Never ever... Why? Cz he/she's not worth it anymore.. Trust's broken... And please UPGRADE yourself.. Be smarter... Who told me this? It's the babe I mentioned... Learn more and you'll see the difference.. Widen and broaden your knowledge, not only your social life.. By the way, my Mandarin is improving tremendously...

My mom actually told me it's a good thing he dumped me... The reason was, he can't even afford to buy our house's toilet... Can you imagine this analogy? She reiterated that it isn't because he has no money or whatever, it's because he's very complacent and has never done anything to improve himself.. Till today, I admit his English really sucks even after working for quite some time.. The worse part was, my mom actually told me that she was thinking of buying a house for us if we were to get married.. OMG!!! My mom...

However, I wasn't brainwashed by those statements... I will never regret knowing him; just taking it as tough lesson to be learnt in life... And I will still not see money as the most important thing in life.. I can truly love someone who is not so financially independent provided if he's a person who's willing and not shy to improve himself.. Not a super duper lazy person... Someone who doesn't live in a nutshell... Wish me loads and lots of GOOD LUCK!!!

Cheers~~~