Nowadays, I'm starting to feel happy and contented with my life.. Why?? Cz there are people who actually care about my well-being.. Family, friends, colleagues and even my boss!!!But overall, there're 2 people in my life that had been giving me LOADS of positive energy & Making my days happy... You should know who you are if you're reading this.. Thank you very much.. Muakkssss..
My colleague, who's also my gym partner told me that I have already upgraded myself from a 'Talapia' fish to something better.. Still thinking of what fish I am right now...LOL...
On the other hand, she insisted that my ex is the 'Talapia' fish and I shouldn't go for freshwater fishes anymore.. Instead, I should be focusing on seawater fishes...HAHAHA.. That made me laugh so much...
Ok...The truth is, finally I can see some light shining at the end of the tunnel... It may not be very bright, but it's definitely getting brighter everyday...And I'm very proud of it... Yes, I can be bored during weekends, have nothing to do etc, but look on the bright side.. I've all the freedom.. Getting to be lazy and the best part is, I can go visit anyone I like and doing things that I like..
For instance, I can run on the treadmill like nobody's business, joining kickboxing classes without worrying to report to anyone again... Also, I don't have to worry about dragging someone who doesn't like to exercise, who doesn't care for his own health and being worried unnecessarily for his health... Honestly, now, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN if my ex partner's cholestrol level shoots up and attacked by a major stroke.. Hehehe...
Besides, I've bumped into one of my long lost friend in Friendster.. So very happy to be able to contact him again.. Hopefully he can forgive me for being a stubborn asshole...
Very nice to finally feel happy again...Not extremely happy la.. Just happy, healthy and contented... Life... Barely even 2 weeks after the "Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs" and I'm okay.. What an achievement... Bravo...
Cheers~~~
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Contented
It should had been a great weekend for me as I had companies... A little bit of window shopping and having guests around made my weekend... Supposed to be...
Like yesterday, I finally had the chance to whip up something nice for dinner for my friends; although one of them didn't turn up... It was still great...
However, the back of my mind keeps telling me that it was useless as someone whom I truly love doesn't even want to dine with me anymore... No more tasting his favourite dishes, no more sharing his opinion on my cooking and etc...
As a matter of fact, I realized that my cooking had deteriorate... Why? Because there isn't much love in it... I'm trying so very hard to tell myself that my friends are giving me an opportunity and chance to motivate me again... And that's the most important aspect that I should be looking at.. No whining or fretting about the pathetic issue anymore...
It was great though, just not as great that it should had been... I'm still thinking when can I cook for someone whom I really love, besides my family? Will I have the chance? Or do you think I will never have the chance again? Hmm... Very subjective question...
Something struck me yesterday.... My friend said that we should be happy when we have a loving family even if we do not have much money... Yes, yes... I agree... I have a warm home and nice parents, although at times my dad can be quite irritating... But why do I still feel lonely? Shouldn't I be contented with my life? It isn't that miserable after all...
I feel that there's a missing part in my life..It's small, but it's impact is rather big though... Why? Cz it was once filled up and a leakage is occuring now, causing a bottleneck everywhere else.. Sometimes it goes haywire and sometimes not... Besides, it's a good analogy to describe my ongoing cuckoo emotions...
Anyway, I should be contented... Great family, nice friends and a debt free life (at the moment)...
Cheers...
Like yesterday, I finally had the chance to whip up something nice for dinner for my friends; although one of them didn't turn up... It was still great...
However, the back of my mind keeps telling me that it was useless as someone whom I truly love doesn't even want to dine with me anymore... No more tasting his favourite dishes, no more sharing his opinion on my cooking and etc...
As a matter of fact, I realized that my cooking had deteriorate... Why? Because there isn't much love in it... I'm trying so very hard to tell myself that my friends are giving me an opportunity and chance to motivate me again... And that's the most important aspect that I should be looking at.. No whining or fretting about the pathetic issue anymore...
It was great though, just not as great that it should had been... I'm still thinking when can I cook for someone whom I really love, besides my family? Will I have the chance? Or do you think I will never have the chance again? Hmm... Very subjective question...
Something struck me yesterday.... My friend said that we should be happy when we have a loving family even if we do not have much money... Yes, yes... I agree... I have a warm home and nice parents, although at times my dad can be quite irritating... But why do I still feel lonely? Shouldn't I be contented with my life? It isn't that miserable after all...
I feel that there's a missing part in my life..It's small, but it's impact is rather big though... Why? Cz it was once filled up and a leakage is occuring now, causing a bottleneck everywhere else.. Sometimes it goes haywire and sometimes not... Besides, it's a good analogy to describe my ongoing cuckoo emotions...
Anyway, I should be contented... Great family, nice friends and a debt free life (at the moment)...
Cheers...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Emotionally Drained
I'm exteremely exhausted... Tired of being too harsh on myself... At the same time, I can't stop thinking what went wrong at the first place... My friend highlighted that it is not necessary to get into those details... What has happened had already took place and there is no turning back.. True.. I agree with her but still, I can't ask my mind to stop thinking about it..
When I reflect back, I would have made mistakes too... And maybe mistakes that I cannot and will never be able to rectify... Is it wrong to protect and give unconditionally to someone you truly love? It is very subjective eh...
I seriously believe that if you were to love someone, you will definitely go all out, by hook or by crook to love him/her without hesitation... But at the end, the result may be like this... Not appreciated and not loved anymore...
In my previous blogs, I did mention that good doesn't always begets good... And in this scenario, 'It' seriously doesn't know how to value and appreciate a relationship... Deep down, I know that 'It' will never get another person like me.. Not trying to boast... I can be considered an endagered KL species that behave this way... Kinda orthodox... There are people like me, but only a handful of them... Women these days normally put career or family first before their spouse...
Of course, when we already have something, we don't really know how to appreciate and be contented... Instead, we always ask for more... We will only realize the missing part after a while and when that happens, it is always too late... Definitely, I wouldn't want to be an asshole who behaves that way...
My mom told me that it was 'Its' sister who asked 'It' to break off with me as soon as possible... There's a Chinese saying 'Better short pain than long pain'... Yes, I agree with her.. But doesn't she realize I wasn't given a chance? She should know it better...
You see, she was once dumped by her current husband.. Initially, her husband found another woman and he just took everything from the house they were living together... She was sad too.. And till today, I still cannot believe as a woman herself, she should know the pain and agony that it would cause to me.. But, she didn't give a damn and encouraged 'It' to take a brutal way... Come'n la... You weren't given a chance in the past and you are asking your own brother to do that...
It's not that I'm blaming her.. I am very puzzled to know that it was her suggestion.. After all, we are women... She should know better too as she's more matured (which now I dont think so)... Also, no one can force someone to do anything so 'It' is just cold-blooded.. Now you know why I always use 'It' instead of 'him'...
People should realize that everyone deserve a chance no matter what happens... If there isn't, every husband and wife would immediately divorce each other without trying to reconcile differences first... Then what is the meaning of marriage and death till us apart???
Anyway, I am totally disappointed and emotionally drained... However, I will keep telling myself that it's okay to fret and be sad now... And since 'It' doesn't want to be friends, which I feel that it is so childish, then be it....
Every dog has its day... I believe that 'It' and 'Its' sister will definitely have to payback for their deeds they had done.. Whatever comes around goes around...Although my colleague made fun that we are not dogs... But the principle applies to everyone... Whether you are a dog, cat, human or whatever...
Cheers...
When I reflect back, I would have made mistakes too... And maybe mistakes that I cannot and will never be able to rectify... Is it wrong to protect and give unconditionally to someone you truly love? It is very subjective eh...
I seriously believe that if you were to love someone, you will definitely go all out, by hook or by crook to love him/her without hesitation... But at the end, the result may be like this... Not appreciated and not loved anymore...
In my previous blogs, I did mention that good doesn't always begets good... And in this scenario, 'It' seriously doesn't know how to value and appreciate a relationship... Deep down, I know that 'It' will never get another person like me.. Not trying to boast... I can be considered an endagered KL species that behave this way... Kinda orthodox... There are people like me, but only a handful of them... Women these days normally put career or family first before their spouse...
Of course, when we already have something, we don't really know how to appreciate and be contented... Instead, we always ask for more... We will only realize the missing part after a while and when that happens, it is always too late... Definitely, I wouldn't want to be an asshole who behaves that way...
My mom told me that it was 'Its' sister who asked 'It' to break off with me as soon as possible... There's a Chinese saying 'Better short pain than long pain'... Yes, I agree with her.. But doesn't she realize I wasn't given a chance? She should know it better...
You see, she was once dumped by her current husband.. Initially, her husband found another woman and he just took everything from the house they were living together... She was sad too.. And till today, I still cannot believe as a woman herself, she should know the pain and agony that it would cause to me.. But, she didn't give a damn and encouraged 'It' to take a brutal way... Come'n la... You weren't given a chance in the past and you are asking your own brother to do that...
It's not that I'm blaming her.. I am very puzzled to know that it was her suggestion.. After all, we are women... She should know better too as she's more matured (which now I dont think so)... Also, no one can force someone to do anything so 'It' is just cold-blooded.. Now you know why I always use 'It' instead of 'him'...
People should realize that everyone deserve a chance no matter what happens... If there isn't, every husband and wife would immediately divorce each other without trying to reconcile differences first... Then what is the meaning of marriage and death till us apart???
Anyway, I am totally disappointed and emotionally drained... However, I will keep telling myself that it's okay to fret and be sad now... And since 'It' doesn't want to be friends, which I feel that it is so childish, then be it....
Every dog has its day... I believe that 'It' and 'Its' sister will definitely have to payback for their deeds they had done.. Whatever comes around goes around...Although my colleague made fun that we are not dogs... But the principle applies to everyone... Whether you are a dog, cat, human or whatever...
Cheers...
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Double Slaps & Multiple Stabs
It was on my sister's birthday when I felt extremely gloomy as I thought about why I wasn't given a chance... That very night, I bought Panadols waiting for the right time to leave... My world was shattered, and I couldn't handle my emotions anymore...
After having a scrumptious dinner with my beloved family, I was ready to leave once and for all... With me around, my family and friends will have a hard time giving me advise and I didn't want to burden them anymore...
There were a few unexpected sms from friends and I just told them to take care of themselves... Although I know I can't care for myself, I genuinely wanted them to lead a meaningful life unlike mine...
And again, my good friend managed to pull me away from the goddess of death... And that night, I bursted out the truth to my mom... To my surprise, she forgave me and told me that everyone makes mistakes.. That very moment, I felt relieve for a while...
The next day, 'It' called and say 'It' wanted to meet me after work... For once, I thought I was given a chance.... However, it was worse than a scary nightmare during a fiery thunderstorm...
'It' blurted out that 'It' didn't have any feelings for me anymore and there were many nasty reasons behind it too... I repeatedly asked what was my mistakes but 'It' said that I didn't do anything wrong...
The final blow to my face was when I asked 'It' this question:-
"If we were married and have a child now, would you just leave us behind just because you don't have any feelings for me anymore?"
And 'It' said:-
'Yes... I am just like any other guy!"
As a usual crybaby, I pathetically cried non-stop and almost gone insane... How on earth can someone that I had loved UNCONDITIONALLY uttered those inhumane words!!! On top of it, 'It' insisted that we cannot remain as friends, but agreed after seeing me crying... But deep down inside, I knew 'It' didn't mean it... Till now, 'It' doesn't even bother to sms or call asking how am I doing... Friends?? I don't think so...
'It' even went to my MOM'S OFFICE telling her that I was in bad shape and kept apologizing... 'It' also told my mom that 'It' doesn't want to see me for the rest of 'its' life and that 'It' is no longer my friend...
Okay... How RUDE that was... And my mom and I could still take it... I am suppose to hate 'It' but I can't... 'It' even told me to find someone else, don't ever wait for 'It' to come back cz 'It' doesnt and never will plan to do so.. Besides, 'It' kept saying 'It' isn't a good person...
The ultimate blow was when 'It' said 'It' has lost feelings for me a LONG TIME AGO... But I can't figure it out... How could that be? How can 'It' didn't like me but 'It' still hugged, kissed and treated me well? 'It' kept saying that 'It' was actually giving 'itself' a chance...
Come'n... That's bull shit-ting... Why didn't 'It' tell me in the first place? Why wasn't that properly communicated to me? See what I mean that I wasn't given a chance?
It's 5 months since our seperation...And after 5 years of relationship, I feel that I have totally wasted my time and effort in the relationship... I truly have contributed a lot and loved 'It' UNCONDITIONALLY even though I wasn't appreciated at all... Why again?? Cz I can say I am blindly in love and I don't like changing partners.... Loyal eh??? I was thinking if 'It' were to hit me, I would still love 'It' from the bottom of my heart...
Nevertheless, the unkind words that 'It' uttered demoralized me... It made me feel like a cheapskate whore and a worthless person... No matter how hard I tried to work things out, 'It' didn't want to give our relationship a chance...
I won't regret loving this person... Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt... Now, I am saving all my love and energy to someone that truly deserves it... I still want to UNCONDITONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY love someone in the future... (Only if I have the chance).... This will be my lesson... 'It' had downgraded and humiliated 'Men'.... But I am sure there're still endangered species out there who are nice, loyal and loving...
To anyone who's reading this, no matter whether you are a man or a woman, please don't treat your lovers like shit... Appreciate and value them for what they've done for you... Cz, you wouldn't know what it feels until you have lost them...
I am on the rational side now... It's tough, but I'm trying my best to survive and be positive... After all, I'm saving all my love for someone else... And I will give all my AFFECTION and DEVOTION to my other half (if any in the future) more than that I've contributed to 'It'...
Cheers & Wish me luck...
After having a scrumptious dinner with my beloved family, I was ready to leave once and for all... With me around, my family and friends will have a hard time giving me advise and I didn't want to burden them anymore...
There were a few unexpected sms from friends and I just told them to take care of themselves... Although I know I can't care for myself, I genuinely wanted them to lead a meaningful life unlike mine...
And again, my good friend managed to pull me away from the goddess of death... And that night, I bursted out the truth to my mom... To my surprise, she forgave me and told me that everyone makes mistakes.. That very moment, I felt relieve for a while...
The next day, 'It' called and say 'It' wanted to meet me after work... For once, I thought I was given a chance.... However, it was worse than a scary nightmare during a fiery thunderstorm...
'It' blurted out that 'It' didn't have any feelings for me anymore and there were many nasty reasons behind it too... I repeatedly asked what was my mistakes but 'It' said that I didn't do anything wrong...
The final blow to my face was when I asked 'It' this question:-
"If we were married and have a child now, would you just leave us behind just because you don't have any feelings for me anymore?"
And 'It' said:-
'Yes... I am just like any other guy!"
As a usual crybaby, I pathetically cried non-stop and almost gone insane... How on earth can someone that I had loved UNCONDITIONALLY uttered those inhumane words!!! On top of it, 'It' insisted that we cannot remain as friends, but agreed after seeing me crying... But deep down inside, I knew 'It' didn't mean it... Till now, 'It' doesn't even bother to sms or call asking how am I doing... Friends?? I don't think so...
'It' even went to my MOM'S OFFICE telling her that I was in bad shape and kept apologizing... 'It' also told my mom that 'It' doesn't want to see me for the rest of 'its' life and that 'It' is no longer my friend...
Okay... How RUDE that was... And my mom and I could still take it... I am suppose to hate 'It' but I can't... 'It' even told me to find someone else, don't ever wait for 'It' to come back cz 'It' doesnt and never will plan to do so.. Besides, 'It' kept saying 'It' isn't a good person...
The ultimate blow was when 'It' said 'It' has lost feelings for me a LONG TIME AGO... But I can't figure it out... How could that be? How can 'It' didn't like me but 'It' still hugged, kissed and treated me well? 'It' kept saying that 'It' was actually giving 'itself' a chance...
Come'n... That's bull shit-ting... Why didn't 'It' tell me in the first place? Why wasn't that properly communicated to me? See what I mean that I wasn't given a chance?
It's 5 months since our seperation...And after 5 years of relationship, I feel that I have totally wasted my time and effort in the relationship... I truly have contributed a lot and loved 'It' UNCONDITIONALLY even though I wasn't appreciated at all... Why again?? Cz I can say I am blindly in love and I don't like changing partners.... Loyal eh??? I was thinking if 'It' were to hit me, I would still love 'It' from the bottom of my heart...
Nevertheless, the unkind words that 'It' uttered demoralized me... It made me feel like a cheapskate whore and a worthless person... No matter how hard I tried to work things out, 'It' didn't want to give our relationship a chance...
I won't regret loving this person... Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt... Now, I am saving all my love and energy to someone that truly deserves it... I still want to UNCONDITONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY love someone in the future... (Only if I have the chance).... This will be my lesson... 'It' had downgraded and humiliated 'Men'.... But I am sure there're still endangered species out there who are nice, loyal and loving...
To anyone who's reading this, no matter whether you are a man or a woman, please don't treat your lovers like shit... Appreciate and value them for what they've done for you... Cz, you wouldn't know what it feels until you have lost them...
I am on the rational side now... It's tough, but I'm trying my best to survive and be positive... After all, I'm saving all my love for someone else... And I will give all my AFFECTION and DEVOTION to my other half (if any in the future) more than that I've contributed to 'It'...
Cheers & Wish me luck...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I Almost Died
Yes... As the name suggests, I almost died today... One slight, tiny slip, it would've been a fatal fall... At that split second, I wasn't scared at all... I was totally lost, disappointed and depressed with the life I'm having...
Do you seriously think I would want to die? Would I choose to die? Of course not... But it's the emotional turbulence that's conquering my soul... Suddenly, I thought of my good friend's advise... Even if I really wanted to die, I should choose the correct way... Or else, I would suffer for the rest of life if I weren't dead...
Ok... So I told myself I would just try one last time... This last is my final try.... I've managed to convince 'It' to go through the session with me together... Seriously, 'It' needs counselling too! 'It' has to bear some of the responsibilities and hopefully, 'It' would get everything off its chest once and for all...
My friend told me that 'It' is afraid of me... And I think she's right... Even 'It' had blurted out a few times...Why? Because I look terrible... Totally bad shape... Also, 'It' has also lost itself although 'It' may not want to admit...
She really opened up my thoughts for a while... 'It' is scared to hurt me again... A coward who is never willing to change and will only live for 'Itself' without considering others... She mentioned that if I can live for myself, change my lifestyle, only then there can be a chance in our relationship... It sounds so easy and plain simple...
However, the question that keep popping in my head is:- "How long can I go on like this?" We agreed to have a session after 'It' has the time... The waiting period may be too long for my injured, sick and hurt soul to cope... I'm just hoping that the appointment can be scheduled to the soonest...
I'm so afraid if it still fails... Yes, I sound pessimistic all the time... But who was the one who had pushed me to the edge of the cliff? Everyone says that no one can hurt you but yourself, but do they realize that not everyone is able to conquer their negative thoughts? Every soul is different... Some may recuperate whereas some may not... And I know I'm more towards death as I can't see any future ahead no matter how hard I tried...
'It' keeps telling me it's not right as I still have my family and friends... I just only wish to tell 'It'... "When a person is suffering from depression, they can neither see nor feel the future... They only cling on to the past and view the present..."
Cheers...
Do you seriously think I would want to die? Would I choose to die? Of course not... But it's the emotional turbulence that's conquering my soul... Suddenly, I thought of my good friend's advise... Even if I really wanted to die, I should choose the correct way... Or else, I would suffer for the rest of life if I weren't dead...
Ok... So I told myself I would just try one last time... This last is my final try.... I've managed to convince 'It' to go through the session with me together... Seriously, 'It' needs counselling too! 'It' has to bear some of the responsibilities and hopefully, 'It' would get everything off its chest once and for all...
My friend told me that 'It' is afraid of me... And I think she's right... Even 'It' had blurted out a few times...Why? Because I look terrible... Totally bad shape... Also, 'It' has also lost itself although 'It' may not want to admit...
She really opened up my thoughts for a while... 'It' is scared to hurt me again... A coward who is never willing to change and will only live for 'Itself' without considering others... She mentioned that if I can live for myself, change my lifestyle, only then there can be a chance in our relationship... It sounds so easy and plain simple...
However, the question that keep popping in my head is:- "How long can I go on like this?" We agreed to have a session after 'It' has the time... The waiting period may be too long for my injured, sick and hurt soul to cope... I'm just hoping that the appointment can be scheduled to the soonest...
I'm so afraid if it still fails... Yes, I sound pessimistic all the time... But who was the one who had pushed me to the edge of the cliff? Everyone says that no one can hurt you but yourself, but do they realize that not everyone is able to conquer their negative thoughts? Every soul is different... Some may recuperate whereas some may not... And I know I'm more towards death as I can't see any future ahead no matter how hard I tried...
'It' keeps telling me it's not right as I still have my family and friends... I just only wish to tell 'It'... "When a person is suffering from depression, they can neither see nor feel the future... They only cling on to the past and view the present..."
Cheers...
Friday, May 11, 2007
I Can't Take All The Blame...
I keep contemplating whether I really need professional help.. Whether I should really see a psychologist like 'It' suggested...
But why am I the only one who should be seeking professional help? Why isn't 'It' going with me together as a couple in the session to work things out? Why am I taking all the responsibilty? Just because I plan to leave this world? Is 'It' sure that I should be the only person to attend the session?
See... 'It' doesn't even care or bother to reconcile differences... 'It' doesn't value the meaning of relationship; being together, living as a united couple... I cannot be the only one to seek treatment... What causes this to happen? 'It' should bear some of the responsibility
People just cant fall out of love because of nothing... There must be a reason... 'It' said 'It' had tried to have feelings for me, but 'It' failed... Did 'It' really try hard? I personally don't think so... How much time and effort did 'It' put in? Did 'It' told me how 'It' really feel?
From the beginning, I knew that 'It' was a quiet person but as a partner, we should've communicated better... I had always done the talking but 'It' seldom and rarely shares how 'It' felt about anything... To 'It', I was some sort of semi-transparent...
If 'It' had sense that there was something wrong in the relationship, 'It' should had taken the both of us for couselling...
Life isn't just about yourself... 'It' keeps saying that I'm forcing 'It' by threatening to leave... But 'It' doesn't know that this isn't the reason... I'm tired for having to revive our relationship by creating excitement... Has 'It' done that? If yes, can 'It' proof it to me??-NO-
'It' is just to selfish and self-centered... 'It' makes me look that I'm the guilty one by saying I had overdone things... Well, if 'It' had already knew it for a long time, like I said, 'It' would arrange a counselling session for the both of us... Not just me alone... Is this enough proof that 'It' has not appreciated this relationship? I think it is...
Cheers & Goodbye....I shall be off soon...
But why am I the only one who should be seeking professional help? Why isn't 'It' going with me together as a couple in the session to work things out? Why am I taking all the responsibilty? Just because I plan to leave this world? Is 'It' sure that I should be the only person to attend the session?
See... 'It' doesn't even care or bother to reconcile differences... 'It' doesn't value the meaning of relationship; being together, living as a united couple... I cannot be the only one to seek treatment... What causes this to happen? 'It' should bear some of the responsibility
People just cant fall out of love because of nothing... There must be a reason... 'It' said 'It' had tried to have feelings for me, but 'It' failed... Did 'It' really try hard? I personally don't think so... How much time and effort did 'It' put in? Did 'It' told me how 'It' really feel?
From the beginning, I knew that 'It' was a quiet person but as a partner, we should've communicated better... I had always done the talking but 'It' seldom and rarely shares how 'It' felt about anything... To 'It', I was some sort of semi-transparent...
If 'It' had sense that there was something wrong in the relationship, 'It' should had taken the both of us for couselling...
Life isn't just about yourself... 'It' keeps saying that I'm forcing 'It' by threatening to leave... But 'It' doesn't know that this isn't the reason... I'm tired for having to revive our relationship by creating excitement... Has 'It' done that? If yes, can 'It' proof it to me??-NO-
'It' is just to selfish and self-centered... 'It' makes me look that I'm the guilty one by saying I had overdone things... Well, if 'It' had already knew it for a long time, like I said, 'It' would arrange a counselling session for the both of us... Not just me alone... Is this enough proof that 'It' has not appreciated this relationship? I think it is...
Cheers & Goodbye....I shall be off soon...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Leaving...
Days are crawling... And it isn't fun... Although I had a karaoke session last night, my good friend suddenly told me something shocking and that would make a drastic change in her and my life... The worse part is that I cant help her... I'm in a slump now, and I hate myself for not being able to help her...
Something is living inside her which will eventually make her weak and fragile... It's not that she doesn't want to get rid of it, it's just that it can't go off... A time bomb is ticking and she may just leave anytime... And I can't do anything about it...
At times, I feel that I'm bringing lots of bad luck to people around me... In high school, good friends left me one by one... Then, 'It' left me... Now, it's a person who I can share my thoughts, visions and someone who really cares unconditionally has to go...
I'm ready anytime.. Life's useless.... Totally useless if a chance isn't given to us... Does she have a chance? -NO- Do I have a chance? -NO-
No matter how hard we try, we seem to fail... Honestly, I can't get up anymore... Most people would say everything is possible if we try, but I would say;- action speaks louder than words... They can talk all they want but at the end, they can't even do what they say... So just forget it...
I will definitely leave once most things are completed as I realized nothing can be finished... Just have to deal with it personally and I hope I can leave with a total peace of mind...
Remember... we are different... Our experiences differ... So don't compare... It only makes things worse... I may be a lunatic but as long as I feel what's best for me, I will do it, no matter what it takes...
Cheers and Goodbye~~
Something is living inside her which will eventually make her weak and fragile... It's not that she doesn't want to get rid of it, it's just that it can't go off... A time bomb is ticking and she may just leave anytime... And I can't do anything about it...
At times, I feel that I'm bringing lots of bad luck to people around me... In high school, good friends left me one by one... Then, 'It' left me... Now, it's a person who I can share my thoughts, visions and someone who really cares unconditionally has to go...
I'm ready anytime.. Life's useless.... Totally useless if a chance isn't given to us... Does she have a chance? -NO- Do I have a chance? -NO-
No matter how hard we try, we seem to fail... Honestly, I can't get up anymore... Most people would say everything is possible if we try, but I would say;- action speaks louder than words... They can talk all they want but at the end, they can't even do what they say... So just forget it...
I will definitely leave once most things are completed as I realized nothing can be finished... Just have to deal with it personally and I hope I can leave with a total peace of mind...
Remember... we are different... Our experiences differ... So don't compare... It only makes things worse... I may be a lunatic but as long as I feel what's best for me, I will do it, no matter what it takes...
Cheers and Goodbye~~
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Don't Fake It!!!
Today, the cold hearted creature offered to help me after reading all of my blogs... Of course, I was shocked... I can't believe 'It' would actually say that and even booked an appointment for me to visit a psychologist this Thursday... Wow! It's like a miracle... 'It' actually cares!!! It sounds that I am the one who needs help but I think 'It' is the one who needs it more than I do... Cz 'It' is INHUMANE... 'It' isn't like us... 'It' is cold blooded...
Wait a minute... Think again... Do you think 'It' is doing it for me? After analyzing the situation, 'It' is only faking it... 'It' is doing this so that 'It' would not feel guilty for what 'It' has caused in my pathetic life... Come'n man...I'm not that dumb!!! Please la... Don't treat me like a kid...
And 'It' was actually telling me to get up just like a child who has fallen on the ground.. But what will happen if a child always gets up when he falls but is pushed again and again till he drops heavily to the ground? One fine day, the child will definitely not get up anymore and will lay flat down...
Also, giving life a chance is crucial and I agree with this... However, have you ever wondered that it can be sick and tiring to keep changing when everyone is against you? No matter how hard you try to escape from it, changing for the better is advisable only if you are given the chance... Yes, I've given myself numerous chances but I'm always being kicked and pushed around like nobody's business.... How would you feel if you were me huh???
People can say 101 positive words and comments because they have not experienced to be betrayed, cheated and deluded by someone they trust most... I agree that some of them have experienced it, but our tresholds are different...I am not them and vice versa...
Everyone can say I'm making excuses... Say all they want but I stand firm on my decisions... My stubborness can be my downfall but who cares??? I don't and will not care what people have to say about me... There're many lives ahead... I may rot six feet under but my mind will never... Why should I torture myself in this life when there're plenty coming ahead???
'It' only knows how to COMPARE, LECTURE and TEACH me... 'It' doesn't know that 'It' doesn't have the right to do so... "It' began and ended everything abruptly without giving me any chance... 'It' is so self-centered... Nowadays, 'It' has changed a lot... But life would be different if 'It' was a changed person initially... So 'It' doesn't have the right to put the blame on me...
'It' doesn't even realized that I've become a changed a person... I don't care a damn about anything which I think what I should had done long ago.. After all, 'It' was the one who told me that I shouldn't care or do anything unneccessarily... And that I should always live for myself first before others... As you can see, I'm living my life the way I WANT... Not others... 'It' is so blind, brainless and stupid that 'It' couldn't even notice the differences between the old and new me...
What I hate most is that I am always not given a chance.. From school days till now... It never ends... Why do I have to give others a chance but a chance is never given to me??? Think again... If you were me, what would you do??? I've fallen a dozen of times and got back up again.. I'm truly sick and tired and I want to continue my life without the present memories inhibiting inside me... Another form of life awaits everyone... No one can escape that...
Cheers...
Wait a minute... Think again... Do you think 'It' is doing it for me? After analyzing the situation, 'It' is only faking it... 'It' is doing this so that 'It' would not feel guilty for what 'It' has caused in my pathetic life... Come'n man...I'm not that dumb!!! Please la... Don't treat me like a kid...
And 'It' was actually telling me to get up just like a child who has fallen on the ground.. But what will happen if a child always gets up when he falls but is pushed again and again till he drops heavily to the ground? One fine day, the child will definitely not get up anymore and will lay flat down...
Also, giving life a chance is crucial and I agree with this... However, have you ever wondered that it can be sick and tiring to keep changing when everyone is against you? No matter how hard you try to escape from it, changing for the better is advisable only if you are given the chance... Yes, I've given myself numerous chances but I'm always being kicked and pushed around like nobody's business.... How would you feel if you were me huh???
People can say 101 positive words and comments because they have not experienced to be betrayed, cheated and deluded by someone they trust most... I agree that some of them have experienced it, but our tresholds are different...I am not them and vice versa...
Everyone can say I'm making excuses... Say all they want but I stand firm on my decisions... My stubborness can be my downfall but who cares??? I don't and will not care what people have to say about me... There're many lives ahead... I may rot six feet under but my mind will never... Why should I torture myself in this life when there're plenty coming ahead???
'It' only knows how to COMPARE, LECTURE and TEACH me... 'It' doesn't know that 'It' doesn't have the right to do so... "It' began and ended everything abruptly without giving me any chance... 'It' is so self-centered... Nowadays, 'It' has changed a lot... But life would be different if 'It' was a changed person initially... So 'It' doesn't have the right to put the blame on me...
'It' doesn't even realized that I've become a changed a person... I don't care a damn about anything which I think what I should had done long ago.. After all, 'It' was the one who told me that I shouldn't care or do anything unneccessarily... And that I should always live for myself first before others... As you can see, I'm living my life the way I WANT... Not others... 'It' is so blind, brainless and stupid that 'It' couldn't even notice the differences between the old and new me...
What I hate most is that I am always not given a chance.. From school days till now... It never ends... Why do I have to give others a chance but a chance is never given to me??? Think again... If you were me, what would you do??? I've fallen a dozen of times and got back up again.. I'm truly sick and tired and I want to continue my life without the present memories inhibiting inside me... Another form of life awaits everyone... No one can escape that...
Cheers...
Monday, May 7, 2007
Past, Present & Future
Someone just lectured me abt the above mentioned topic... He told me to live in the present and to view the past as a history...Long gone...Even my boss advised me to overcome the obstacles I'm facing... Everyone is saying the same thing!!! My ears are bored to death!!! Come'n I can't bear to listen anymore.. I believe all earthlings would say the same thing to me!!!
Although I may not like to hear it, I know they're right...Super right.. But.. and However...I can't even let go of my past and I can't see my future.. Even my present seems vague.. I know what I've got to do.. And I shall not procastinate further... The time has come.. but not now, not tommorrow, or the day after next, next week or next month...
Timing is crucial when we believe that something has to be done.. After all, delaying only worsens the situation.. Life's a neverending journey... Our physical form may be dead but our mind will not.. Our mind is a form of energy... And like science had proven, energy can neither be created nor destroyed... Energy can only change to another form...
So, you see... I may be dead in my physical shell, but my mind will still be here... It'll still exist no matter how hard we try to destroy it... The only problem is which form will it be? An insect? An animal? A human? An Angel? A wandering ghost? A devil? I'll never know... Neither do you...
Of course, death is scary.... I tend to dwell in the past for no apparent reason... The present is painful... I can only look forward for the future.. Yes, time will heal for most of us.. But not for me... Time'll only prolong the sadness, pain and anger inside me...
Not to worry... Like I said, all of us will have another life whether we want it or not.. The only downfall is that we cannot choose... We've to accept whatever form we are destined to be... I'm only scared that I'll be something worse than a human... But there'll be a chance that I'll be a human again... Am positive.. Just have to wait for the right timing...
The past, present and future is always in our hands... We decide what we want to become...
Cheers~~~
Although I may not like to hear it, I know they're right...Super right.. But.. and However...I can't even let go of my past and I can't see my future.. Even my present seems vague.. I know what I've got to do.. And I shall not procastinate further... The time has come.. but not now, not tommorrow, or the day after next, next week or next month...
Timing is crucial when we believe that something has to be done.. After all, delaying only worsens the situation.. Life's a neverending journey... Our physical form may be dead but our mind will not.. Our mind is a form of energy... And like science had proven, energy can neither be created nor destroyed... Energy can only change to another form...
So, you see... I may be dead in my physical shell, but my mind will still be here... It'll still exist no matter how hard we try to destroy it... The only problem is which form will it be? An insect? An animal? A human? An Angel? A wandering ghost? A devil? I'll never know... Neither do you...
Of course, death is scary.... I tend to dwell in the past for no apparent reason... The present is painful... I can only look forward for the future.. Yes, time will heal for most of us.. But not for me... Time'll only prolong the sadness, pain and anger inside me...
Not to worry... Like I said, all of us will have another life whether we want it or not.. The only downfall is that we cannot choose... We've to accept whatever form we are destined to be... I'm only scared that I'll be something worse than a human... But there'll be a chance that I'll be a human again... Am positive.. Just have to wait for the right timing...
The past, present and future is always in our hands... We decide what we want to become...
Cheers~~~
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Is Change Difficult???
My good friend took me out today... She actively persuaded, lectured and advised me on many aspects:-
1. To Get Out of the Slump
2. To Change to a Positive Mindset
3. To Be Wise and Cautious
4. To Be Patient as Patience is a Virtue
5. To Succeed and Excel in Life
For once, I truly find it very realistic that every homo sapien should behave this way.. But if everyone is the same, there wouldn't be much differences... On the other hand, my friend is damn right...
Practically, I am really trying extremely hard to change... Do changes need to be planned systematically or should we take it easy? Well, I've decided to take a step-by-step approach.. Hope to get a good outcome out of it... These are what I am going to do...
To Get out of the Slump
To Change to a Positive Mindset
To Be Wise and Cautious
To Be Patient as Patience is a Virtue
To Succeed and Excel in Life
1. To Get Out of the Slump
2. To Change to a Positive Mindset
3. To Be Wise and Cautious
4. To Be Patient as Patience is a Virtue
5. To Succeed and Excel in Life
For once, I truly find it very realistic that every homo sapien should behave this way.. But if everyone is the same, there wouldn't be much differences... On the other hand, my friend is damn right...
Practically, I am really trying extremely hard to change... Do changes need to be planned systematically or should we take it easy? Well, I've decided to take a step-by-step approach.. Hope to get a good outcome out of it... These are what I am going to do...
To Get out of the Slump
- Begin by socializing more and do not only be stuck at home
To Change to a Positive Mindset
- Always use the word 'I CAN DO IT' instead of 'I Can't'
- Always think of positive thoughts whenever negative feelings visit me
To Be Wise and Cautious
- Do not be gullible
- Analyze situations at many different angles before a conclusion is made
To Be Patient as Patience is a Virtue
- Only those who are patient will be able to succeed in life
- Rushing into situations will only make things worse
To Succeed and Excel in Life
- Keep upgrading myself physically, spiritually and mentally
- Do not stop when 'Failure' visits me for 'Failure' is the key to re-evaluate situations to improve
- Continuous Improvement is the key to excellence
I'll try my utmost best to follow this 5 magic keys in order to get back on my feet. I will succeed and time will allow me to prove to everyone that I can. Occassionally I may still fall apart but I'll promise to get up immediately..
Cheers...
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
It's Killing Me
Words cant describe how i am feeling at this moment.. i realize that it's super duper hard for me to get out from this hell that i've created by myself.. Do hope i can help myself... But i just can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH........
Someone i've known for so many years can just end everything in less than a minute! And in less than 1/2 a year, 'It' is actively involved with some other homo sapien happily... How can that be? How can 'It' managed to move on so very quickly but on the other hand, i'm stuck in time??
I admit I'm pure jealous... At this very second, i feel there's a huge tornado coming towards me.. Thousands and even millinons of sharp needles are poking my heart and my soul... And i'm letting it be.. A dumb human being like me don't deserve to live neither in this world or even in other planets for i cannot keep a positive attitude...
I really hate myself.. My insanity is freaking me out.. Honestly, I don't know how long more can i last.. I'm like a seed on a ground, waiting for the wind to take me away from this miserable state of mind..
Cheers...
Someone i've known for so many years can just end everything in less than a minute! And in less than 1/2 a year, 'It' is actively involved with some other homo sapien happily... How can that be? How can 'It' managed to move on so very quickly but on the other hand, i'm stuck in time??
I admit I'm pure jealous... At this very second, i feel there's a huge tornado coming towards me.. Thousands and even millinons of sharp needles are poking my heart and my soul... And i'm letting it be.. A dumb human being like me don't deserve to live neither in this world or even in other planets for i cannot keep a positive attitude...
I really hate myself.. My insanity is freaking me out.. Honestly, I don't know how long more can i last.. I'm like a seed on a ground, waiting for the wind to take me away from this miserable state of mind..
Cheers...
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Anyway~~
Depression is unavoidable.. It's a sickening process that everyone of us will go through at a certain point in our lives.. However, i am just letting it hurt me when i know it is not right to.. Some of us may take longer time to recover from it, and i may be one of them.. I came across something interesting by Mother Theresa... Hopefully, this would cheer me up..
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centred
Forgive them anyway
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives
Be kind anyway
If you are successful, you will win friends, some false and some true
Succeed anyway
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you
Be honest and frank anyway
What you spend your life building, someone destroys overnight
Build anyway
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous
Be happy anyway
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow
Do good anyway
Give the world your best anyway
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God
It was never between you and them anyway
This is indeed very motivating...But it is easier said than done.. I guess only those who have strong will power and determination may succeed.. Definitely not me..
The phrase:
How on earth can anyone remain positive when someone comes their way and ruins them? Especially a loved one is the ultimate culprit? And it's even harder to imagine that if we were betrayed by someone we sacrificed so much for them... Do you think we can still have the courage to start building our lives again? Yes, by right, we ought to and have to do it no matter whether we like it or not..
Once again, the word 'however' plays a crucial part... -However-, it is rather impossible to get up on our feet again after experiencing much pain and anguish.. We are being backstabbed, emotionally murdered and slaughtered by someone we love so so so much... What else can we do??
Well.. this is only my opinoin.. I'm not implying that Mother Theresa's words are illogical... It's just so hard for me to be what she thinks can be done...
Something for all of u to ponder... Something that is rational and realistic and yet it could be irraitional and unrealistic to some of us..
Cheers...
May 01, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centred
Forgive them anyway
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives
Be kind anyway
If you are successful, you will win friends, some false and some true
Succeed anyway
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you
Be honest and frank anyway
What you spend your life building, someone destroys overnight
Build anyway
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous
Be happy anyway
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow
Do good anyway
Give the world your best anyway
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God
It was never between you and them anyway
This is indeed very motivating...But it is easier said than done.. I guess only those who have strong will power and determination may succeed.. Definitely not me..
The phrase:
"What you spend your life building, someone destroys overnight... Build anyway"
How on earth can anyone remain positive when someone comes their way and ruins them? Especially a loved one is the ultimate culprit? And it's even harder to imagine that if we were betrayed by someone we sacrificed so much for them... Do you think we can still have the courage to start building our lives again? Yes, by right, we ought to and have to do it no matter whether we like it or not..
Once again, the word 'however' plays a crucial part... -However-, it is rather impossible to get up on our feet again after experiencing much pain and anguish.. We are being backstabbed, emotionally murdered and slaughtered by someone we love so so so much... What else can we do??
Well.. this is only my opinoin.. I'm not implying that Mother Theresa's words are illogical... It's just so hard for me to be what she thinks can be done...
Something for all of u to ponder... Something that is rational and realistic and yet it could be irraitional and unrealistic to some of us..
Cheers...
May 01, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Goodbye
I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And Ill never criticize
all youve ever meant to my life
(chorus)
I dont want to let you down
I dont want to lead you on
I dont want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just cant live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
Theres nothing left to say but good-bye
You deserve the chance at the kind of lov
eIm not sure Im worthy of
Losing you is painful to me
(chorus)
you would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just cant live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
Theres nothing left to try
Though its gonna hurt us both
Theres no other way than to say good-bye
April 29, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And Ill never criticize
all youve ever meant to my life
(chorus)
I dont want to let you down
I dont want to lead you on
I dont want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just cant live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
Theres nothing left to say but good-bye
You deserve the chance at the kind of lov
eIm not sure Im worthy of
Losing you is painful to me
(chorus)
you would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just cant live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
Theres nothing left to try
Though its gonna hurt us both
Theres no other way than to say good-bye
April 29, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Hate Myself
Life can be so beautiful yet ugly..or simple yet complicated.. It totally depends on our own perspective, ur own opinions, views.. bla bla bla etc etc..
But at the end, i still can't figure why am i torturing myself to keep reiterating what i say...even by just exercising my fingers to type this, my mind is still rewinding and replaying back unnecessary thoughts that'll spoil my mood... Hate myself for it..
Sometimes, i blame my heart for becoming the stimuli.. it gives my mind the green light to go ahead with it.. There u go..My heart is partly to be blamed too.. Also, i'm not emotionally strong enough to hold myself together..
Whether it's either my heart or my brain, the final verdict is, i'm jz a fool..A pathetic, miserable fool who just doesn't know how to quit my nonsensical thoughts..
Sadness, fear and guilt encompasses my everyday life.. i'm not gonna say anything further.. it's just empty..if only my cup would be 1/3 full, i'd be contented..
Cheers...
April 28, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
But at the end, i still can't figure why am i torturing myself to keep reiterating what i say...even by just exercising my fingers to type this, my mind is still rewinding and replaying back unnecessary thoughts that'll spoil my mood... Hate myself for it..
Sometimes, i blame my heart for becoming the stimuli.. it gives my mind the green light to go ahead with it.. There u go..My heart is partly to be blamed too.. Also, i'm not emotionally strong enough to hold myself together..
Whether it's either my heart or my brain, the final verdict is, i'm jz a fool..A pathetic, miserable fool who just doesn't know how to quit my nonsensical thoughts..
Sadness, fear and guilt encompasses my everyday life.. i'm not gonna say anything further.. it's just empty..if only my cup would be 1/3 full, i'd be contented..
Cheers...
April 28, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Mind of Its Own
I'm doing it again and again.. i really can't tahan myself.. feeling so dumb n stupid.. but luckily, i've been quite busy.. So, at least, i can get it off my mind..
Each time i hear a depressing story from someone, i tend to tell myself this "See la..Ppl so cham..worse than u ar..still feel bad worr.." in order to feel better..
However, the naked truth is, it doesn't work... Instead, my mind still wants to spoil that instant moment by programm ing this is my head- "Eh...Why can't u compare with someone who's doing better than u ar?? Even as kids, i'm compared with my cousins who do well academically..."
It's rather sickening to ponder that way.. But don't ask me.. I'm not the one to be blamed..It's my MIND!!!! I hate it!!!! Feeling detached to my mind, I assume that it should only be logical to say i'm totally a weird person.. My mind is working on its own and it isn't allowing my true self to take control of the situtation...
Fine.. Just let it be..Maybe I shall figure it out someday...
Cheers...
April 27, 2007 Permalink Comments (1)
Each time i hear a depressing story from someone, i tend to tell myself this "See la..Ppl so cham..worse than u ar..still feel bad worr.." in order to feel better..
However, the naked truth is, it doesn't work... Instead, my mind still wants to spoil that instant moment by programm ing this is my head- "Eh...Why can't u compare with someone who's doing better than u ar?? Even as kids, i'm compared with my cousins who do well academically..."
It's rather sickening to ponder that way.. But don't ask me.. I'm not the one to be blamed..It's my MIND!!!! I hate it!!!! Feeling detached to my mind, I assume that it should only be logical to say i'm totally a weird person.. My mind is working on its own and it isn't allowing my true self to take control of the situtation...
Fine.. Just let it be..Maybe I shall figure it out someday...
Cheers...
April 27, 2007 Permalink Comments (1)
Tragedy
I really don't know what to say anymore... Below is the lyric from the song 'Tragedy' by the Bee Gees.. It really explains how I feel..
Here I lie
In a lost and lonely part of town
Held in time
In a world of tears I slowly drown
Goinhome
I just cant take it all alone
I really should be holding you
Holding you
Loving you
loving you
Tragedy
When the feelings gone and you cant go on
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Tragedy
When you lose control and you got no soul
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Night and day
Theres a burning down inside of me
Burning love
With a yearning that wont let me be
Down I go
And I just cant take it all alone
I really should be holding you
Holding you
Loving you loving you
Tragedy
When the feelings gone and you cant go on
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Tragedy
When you lose control and you got no soul
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Cheers...
April 25, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Here I lie
In a lost and lonely part of town
Held in time
In a world of tears I slowly drown
Goinhome
I just cant take it all alone
I really should be holding you
Holding you
Loving you
loving you
Tragedy
When the feelings gone and you cant go on
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Tragedy
When you lose control and you got no soul
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Night and day
Theres a burning down inside of me
Burning love
With a yearning that wont let me be
Down I go
And I just cant take it all alone
I really should be holding you
Holding you
Loving you loving you
Tragedy
When the feelings gone and you cant go on
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Tragedy
When you lose control and you got no soul
Its tragedy
When the morning cries and you dont know why
Its hard to bear
With no-one to love you
youre Goin nowhere
Cheers...
April 25, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Best Female Actress- Maevis
I thought i would hv a great day ahead..but i did not..first thing in the morning, i thought that i'd lost my purse.. Then, i was devastated that my my good friend- 'the heart ripper' told me 'It' can't fetch me home as 'It' already had plans to entertain someone special tonight...
As a usual cry baby, i nearly cried in the car... seriously, i think i should be given an oscar's for being able to act so well.. if i can't the best actress award, the best supporting actress would be just fine for me..I could even hold back my tears and joked with 'It'... Moreover, i even gave some valuable hints to 'It' on how to amuse 'Its' special friend...
To make things worse, we had some conflicts at work.. But luckily it isn't that bad.. Had nice colleagues and friends around.. At least, it could take some of my obsession and paranoia towards 'It.'
Again, the things that I'm constantly thinking are re-affirmed by a nice friend of mine.. She told me that it is useless to be so kind to someone when that someone doesn't really care about us cz they won't treat us the same like we do... It's just like good never always begets good and vice versa..
Life's so unfair and unpredictable.. nevertheless, we still have to live our lives.. most of us can make it through bad times, but some of us can't.. and a handful of us may think of doing something really silly, stupid and insane by hurting ourselves..confession- i nearly tried jumping down from a condo's 14th floor when i was 18 but was rescued...
See what i mean? Right now, I'm in the 'handful' category... And it really tempts me everyday as when i look down a tall building, i feel so free... Hiding behind my mask isn't the solution.. I'm trying to be strong, smiling, laughing, forgetting and ignoring the pain.. However, the more i try to forget and ignore, the more i'll feel depressed, sad and lonely...
You may think i'm remarkably stupid, but if u were in my shoes, you would feel the same way...Certainly, i'll try my utmost best to stay positive... Then again, it's very hard to say how much longer i can tolerate with my cuckoo feelings... At some point, i'm afraid that i can't make it...
All i've to say is i love my family and friends very much and if something bad really befalls me, i hope they'll still remember me and love me as much as i do and i'm sorry for the grievances that i'll cause..
Oscar's Best Actress goes to............................................................................... ..................................................................................
....Maevis.............Cheers.................................................
April 24, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
As a usual cry baby, i nearly cried in the car... seriously, i think i should be given an oscar's for being able to act so well.. if i can't the best actress award, the best supporting actress would be just fine for me..I could even hold back my tears and joked with 'It'... Moreover, i even gave some valuable hints to 'It' on how to amuse 'Its' special friend...
To make things worse, we had some conflicts at work.. But luckily it isn't that bad.. Had nice colleagues and friends around.. At least, it could take some of my obsession and paranoia towards 'It.'
Again, the things that I'm constantly thinking are re-affirmed by a nice friend of mine.. She told me that it is useless to be so kind to someone when that someone doesn't really care about us cz they won't treat us the same like we do... It's just like good never always begets good and vice versa..
Life's so unfair and unpredictable.. nevertheless, we still have to live our lives.. most of us can make it through bad times, but some of us can't.. and a handful of us may think of doing something really silly, stupid and insane by hurting ourselves..confession- i nearly tried jumping down from a condo's 14th floor when i was 18 but was rescued...
See what i mean? Right now, I'm in the 'handful' category... And it really tempts me everyday as when i look down a tall building, i feel so free... Hiding behind my mask isn't the solution.. I'm trying to be strong, smiling, laughing, forgetting and ignoring the pain.. However, the more i try to forget and ignore, the more i'll feel depressed, sad and lonely...
You may think i'm remarkably stupid, but if u were in my shoes, you would feel the same way...Certainly, i'll try my utmost best to stay positive... Then again, it's very hard to say how much longer i can tolerate with my cuckoo feelings... At some point, i'm afraid that i can't make it...
All i've to say is i love my family and friends very much and if something bad really befalls me, i hope they'll still remember me and love me as much as i do and i'm sorry for the grievances that i'll cause..
Oscar's Best Actress goes to............................................................................... ..................................................................................
....Maevis.............Cheers.................................................
April 24, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
My Karma
My gorgeous and kind-hearted girlfriend came to console me.. She emphasized on the law of karma.. Yup.. I definitely believe in it but today, she made it so clear that I should really think further about the subject..
I do believe that whatever goes around comes around.. It may not happen in this lifetime, but it'll be bound to happen in our coming lives..
So, maybe i did something very wrong in one of my previous lives.. Something horrible and unexplainable that i've to pay it back in this life.. well, it's absolutely killing me emotionally... i'm already psychologically drained.. What can i do to lessen my pains and sorrows that i'm feeling right now... How can i lift up my spirits??? How long do i still need to wait before i can be back to my happy normal self??? Pray hard that i can as i am unsure how long can i last this way...
Karma works in funny ways... I believe it whole-heartedly.. But i just crave for something nice and pleasant to happen within these few weeks as if it doesn't, i really don't know what else can i do besides going somewhere far far away...
Cheers...
April 22, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
I do believe that whatever goes around comes around.. It may not happen in this lifetime, but it'll be bound to happen in our coming lives..
So, maybe i did something very wrong in one of my previous lives.. Something horrible and unexplainable that i've to pay it back in this life.. well, it's absolutely killing me emotionally... i'm already psychologically drained.. What can i do to lessen my pains and sorrows that i'm feeling right now... How can i lift up my spirits??? How long do i still need to wait before i can be back to my happy normal self??? Pray hard that i can as i am unsure how long can i last this way...
Karma works in funny ways... I believe it whole-heartedly.. But i just crave for something nice and pleasant to happen within these few weeks as if it doesn't, i really don't know what else can i do besides going somewhere far far away...
Cheers...
April 22, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Pathetic
I went out with my cold blooded friend jz bcz of 1 simple reason... he wanted to take his shoes that he had bought earlier from a friend of mine...if not bcz of it, 'It' wouldn't have even thought of stepping into my house..
It came to my senses that 'It' had already moved on so quickly that 'It' is seeing someone else hoping to be best friends... I can still sit and listen to 'It' telling me the details... and yes..it is my fault..I pestered 'It' to let me know..and voila!.. it hurts~~~
See.. Once again, it's my own damn fault.. I'm like that.. If i don't know, i'll be uneasy.. and if i know, I'd be hurt.. Both ways are suicidal to me..
Here am i.. a pathetic giant in front of the PC not knowing what to do and how to react in the future.. Consoling myself that being a celibacy isn't that bad.. i have all the time to myself...
I wish to leave where i am now.. to somewhere where human doesn't exist.. but i don't want to end up being a ghost.. AGAIN! I'm such a coward to face reality and always thinking of ending everything abruptly..
These feelings are ripping me apart... Tearing my heart n soul into bit pieces... The worse part is that i need to cover it up...everyday, every hour, every minute and every second.. I'm not supposed to reveal it bcz my inner self tells me not to as it says i'll hurt the people around me..
Even my egoistic mind insisits that I don't need anyone's help as i can handle it on my own.. But it always fails.. and yet, my mind still wants to behave this way...i feel so detached from my inner self and tend to act in strange ways that a normal human being isn't supposed to..
Sigh... Only time can help me.. Really wish that this can end right now...instantly...
Cheers...
April 22, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
It came to my senses that 'It' had already moved on so quickly that 'It' is seeing someone else hoping to be best friends... I can still sit and listen to 'It' telling me the details... and yes..it is my fault..I pestered 'It' to let me know..and voila!.. it hurts~~~
See.. Once again, it's my own damn fault.. I'm like that.. If i don't know, i'll be uneasy.. and if i know, I'd be hurt.. Both ways are suicidal to me..
Here am i.. a pathetic giant in front of the PC not knowing what to do and how to react in the future.. Consoling myself that being a celibacy isn't that bad.. i have all the time to myself...
I wish to leave where i am now.. to somewhere where human doesn't exist.. but i don't want to end up being a ghost.. AGAIN! I'm such a coward to face reality and always thinking of ending everything abruptly..
These feelings are ripping me apart... Tearing my heart n soul into bit pieces... The worse part is that i need to cover it up...everyday, every hour, every minute and every second.. I'm not supposed to reveal it bcz my inner self tells me not to as it says i'll hurt the people around me..
Even my egoistic mind insisits that I don't need anyone's help as i can handle it on my own.. But it always fails.. and yet, my mind still wants to behave this way...i feel so detached from my inner self and tend to act in strange ways that a normal human being isn't supposed to..
Sigh... Only time can help me.. Really wish that this can end right now...instantly...
Cheers...
April 22, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
'It'- The Cold Hearted Species
I should be happy today cz i've jz celebrated my mom's birthday with my family and aunts...kfc, satay, cake, laughters, giggles, gossips... these should be some of a girl's best friends..
However, i don't feel that way.. This afternoon, i called my cold-blooded friend to see whether 'it' would like yumcha together... the usual response... 'It' wasn't free... 'It' had other plans..outing with 'its' own species i guess..
i jz can't believe what is happening... knowing 'it' for many years, how can that creature treat me like it doesn't know me?? have i changed into another form of entity? have i transformed into someone else beyond recognition?
Some of my best friends told me to move on and forget about that stone, cold, evil hearted species.. but i can't... it's been many years.. the problem with me, i'm still hanging on to the past..i can't let it go even though i've promised myself to.. My only hope is that we could still be good friends despite what had happened previously..
At times, i feel that 'it' is avoiding me.. 'It' was the one who mentioned that v are not compatible as being best friends... When i said it was ok to remain as 'good' friends, 'it' was relieved.. But if 'it' was relieved, then why 'it' is trying to get rid of me? Why is 'it' finding all ways to not socialize with me.. is it a sin to still keep in contact with a good instead of a best friend???
I should just hate that cold hearted species for the things 'it' had done.. But i really can't..Can someone pls help me?? i m still thinking of the nice things that 'it' had done in the past n it makes me ponder whether i'm a lunatic.. I should really close up my heart and insist my mind to only remember the hurtful things 'it' had did to me..
Even in my blog, i can't even openly discuss this matter as 'it' is still in my friendster list.. I don't want 'it' to feel so bad if 'it' were to read my blog.. 'It' would just know i'm talking about 'it.' Others may speculate but at least i did my part for not exposing 'it.'
The end of it..im emotionally defeated and conquered.. Gone case... Really am thinking of leaving this sad, gloomy, miserable, heartbreaking and depressing state of mind.. Maybe i should go somewhere else... Be alone and forget everything.. . How nice if i could just delete 'it' from my brain..
Ain't sure who can help me.. i don't think there's a soul who can but myself.. but like i said, my stubborn headed mind doesn't want to help me..~~~~
I'm conquered..defeated..overpowered...crushed by my own emotions..Im awfully tired to wear a mask all the time.. Help me..
That's it.. and i still have to say "Cheers" to all~~~
April 21, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
However, i don't feel that way.. This afternoon, i called my cold-blooded friend to see whether 'it' would like yumcha together... the usual response... 'It' wasn't free... 'It' had other plans..outing with 'its' own species i guess..
i jz can't believe what is happening... knowing 'it' for many years, how can that creature treat me like it doesn't know me?? have i changed into another form of entity? have i transformed into someone else beyond recognition?
Some of my best friends told me to move on and forget about that stone, cold, evil hearted species.. but i can't... it's been many years.. the problem with me, i'm still hanging on to the past..i can't let it go even though i've promised myself to.. My only hope is that we could still be good friends despite what had happened previously..
At times, i feel that 'it' is avoiding me.. 'It' was the one who mentioned that v are not compatible as being best friends... When i said it was ok to remain as 'good' friends, 'it' was relieved.. But if 'it' was relieved, then why 'it' is trying to get rid of me? Why is 'it' finding all ways to not socialize with me.. is it a sin to still keep in contact with a good instead of a best friend???
I should just hate that cold hearted species for the things 'it' had done.. But i really can't..Can someone pls help me?? i m still thinking of the nice things that 'it' had done in the past n it makes me ponder whether i'm a lunatic.. I should really close up my heart and insist my mind to only remember the hurtful things 'it' had did to me..
Even in my blog, i can't even openly discuss this matter as 'it' is still in my friendster list.. I don't want 'it' to feel so bad if 'it' were to read my blog.. 'It' would just know i'm talking about 'it.' Others may speculate but at least i did my part for not exposing 'it.'
The end of it..im emotionally defeated and conquered.. Gone case... Really am thinking of leaving this sad, gloomy, miserable, heartbreaking and depressing state of mind.. Maybe i should go somewhere else... Be alone and forget everything.. . How nice if i could just delete 'it' from my brain..
Ain't sure who can help me.. i don't think there's a soul who can but myself.. but like i said, my stubborn headed mind doesn't want to help me..~~~~
I'm conquered..defeated..overpowered...crushed by my own emotions..Im awfully tired to wear a mask all the time.. Help me..
That's it.. and i still have to say "Cheers" to all~~~
April 21, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Betrayed, Deceived and Disappointed
I had some feedbacks saying that I am very negative these days..well, sorry but i jz can't control that idiotic feeling.. nowadays, my life is boring n mundane.. after so many things, i really feel betrayed, deceived n disappointed by an extremely good friend of mine... That kinda feeling is extremely unbearable... I've tried my best to forget, forgive n go on with my life but it's difficult...
I don't pity myself.. But i realize i'm hurting myself terribly by allowing my stupid mind to keep replaying the hurtful memories embedded far into my subconscious mind.. Bet Freud would be glad to help me if he's still alive..
I am thinking why humans must keep hurting themselves by remembering the sadness and sorrows that they went through..No matter how hard v try to think about happy and joyous moments, v still tend to remember the nasty things that happened...
Well, as for my 'best friend', i am still able to treat that 'human' as a good friend although i feel i am being totally ignored.. Sigh..but what is there to lose.. Some told me to hate that species of human but it's too hard cz i've treated that creature with much love, care n attention that it's so difficult for me to hate that snobbish species... see.. told u i am really a dumb person..
Anyway, i still have to put on a happy mask no matter where i am..at home, at work n in front of everybody...i don't want to be a burden to someone cz i feel it's a sin...
So friends, take good care of urselves..don't be a failure like me.. Life's so short.. I really don't know how long i will be able to last like that..
Cheers...
April 20, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
I don't pity myself.. But i realize i'm hurting myself terribly by allowing my stupid mind to keep replaying the hurtful memories embedded far into my subconscious mind.. Bet Freud would be glad to help me if he's still alive..
I am thinking why humans must keep hurting themselves by remembering the sadness and sorrows that they went through..No matter how hard v try to think about happy and joyous moments, v still tend to remember the nasty things that happened...
Well, as for my 'best friend', i am still able to treat that 'human' as a good friend although i feel i am being totally ignored.. Sigh..but what is there to lose.. Some told me to hate that species of human but it's too hard cz i've treated that creature with much love, care n attention that it's so difficult for me to hate that snobbish species... see.. told u i am really a dumb person..
Anyway, i still have to put on a happy mask no matter where i am..at home, at work n in front of everybody...i don't want to be a burden to someone cz i feel it's a sin...
So friends, take good care of urselves..don't be a failure like me.. Life's so short.. I really don't know how long i will be able to last like that..
Cheers...
April 20, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Good Begets Good??? Evil Begets Evil???
Jz another boring day.. Life seems so uninteresting these days.. When u start to think that life is beautiful, the mind tends to take u somewhere else.. Remembering all the 'yucky' sad and disappointed moments that happened.. Maybe i'm insane or a maniac to behave this way, but trust me, it's uncontrallable..outta my hands!!
Last night, a good friend of mine told me something very interesting... To cut the story short, she reiterated that we should not treat others with a genuine kind heart and never love unconditionally.. i really can't believe she said that as she's gonna get married soon.. wonder whether she would treat her future husband good enough..
As i ponder further, she's damn right.. people alwiz take things for granted.. the more u treat them nice, the more they'll try to take advantage of the situation.. or even manipulate u without u realizing it... and finally, they'll jz leave u all alone; by urself n then, u'll start pitying urself unnecessarily.. succumb into depression...n it destroys ur life emotionally n physically wears u down..
So, the moral of the story is, good doesn't alwiz begets good n evil doesn't alwiz begets evil.. Y don't v take some risk??.. don't be so nice to someone that u think is worth it..at the end, v'll be hurting ourselves.. for all u know, it's better if v treat someone a little 'mean' in order for them to realize the little good deeds that we've done too.. somehow, they'll learn to appreciate.. but it really takes an awfully long time for them to see the big picture n to feel it..
Cheers...
Last night, a good friend of mine told me something very interesting... To cut the story short, she reiterated that we should not treat others with a genuine kind heart and never love unconditionally.. i really can't believe she said that as she's gonna get married soon.. wonder whether she would treat her future husband good enough..
As i ponder further, she's damn right.. people alwiz take things for granted.. the more u treat them nice, the more they'll try to take advantage of the situation.. or even manipulate u without u realizing it... and finally, they'll jz leave u all alone; by urself n then, u'll start pitying urself unnecessarily.. succumb into depression...n it destroys ur life emotionally n physically wears u down..
So, the moral of the story is, good doesn't alwiz begets good n evil doesn't alwiz begets evil.. Y don't v take some risk??.. don't be so nice to someone that u think is worth it..at the end, v'll be hurting ourselves.. for all u know, it's better if v treat someone a little 'mean' in order for them to realize the little good deeds that we've done too.. somehow, they'll learn to appreciate.. but it really takes an awfully long time for them to see the big picture n to feel it..
Cheers...
Empty
Sometimes, v feel that life's unfair n that everyone is having a better life than us.. V may feel that the world is being unkind to us n that everyday passes by so slowly.. the worse part is, v feel empty n devastated...partly cz v don't really know how to appreciate life or v hv over enjoyed ourselves n when v meet with disaster, v tend to blame others...
V may feel that there's a hole in our heart which needs to be patched up, but v cant seem to find anything to fill it... Sigh... Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes life can be so empty... So meaningless...
Apart fr it, some of us may feel v need someone close to confide in, but most of the time, v r alwiz let down by the person whom v assume is the most important person in our life... The emotional turbulence v experience may even cause us to breakdown often...
See, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes life can be so meaningless n empty... But y do v still live our life even when v feel v r burried 10 feet underground? V really hv to figure it out ourselves...
Cheers...
V may feel that there's a hole in our heart which needs to be patched up, but v cant seem to find anything to fill it... Sigh... Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes life can be so empty... So meaningless...
Apart fr it, some of us may feel v need someone close to confide in, but most of the time, v r alwiz let down by the person whom v assume is the most important person in our life... The emotional turbulence v experience may even cause us to breakdown often...
See, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes life can be so meaningless n empty... But y do v still live our life even when v feel v r burried 10 feet underground? V really hv to figure it out ourselves...
Cheers...
Life at A Different Angle
Wat's life eh? is it purely enjoyment or fulfillment of pure pleasures? haiz...till now, i still can't seem to understand y r v not contented with our lifes yet!!! ah...many of us tend 2 say "yaya, Im contented.." but come'n dude, v ain't... Cz if v r, v wouldn't be working, studying, or doing anything constructive cz v wud prefer to hv a laid-back relaxing lifestyle!! V don't need 2 do anything, jz sit back and savour every moment... aiks..... but that's impossible..it can't be done, only in our dreams, probably (if u r lucky enough to be able to dream about it!).
Anyway, it's easier said than to be done... v ain't gonna give up on our lifes... maybe it's better that v contribute more to the society, n look at a different prespective of life.. There're awfully many choices in life which i think v should be open about n not jz live in a 'chicken coop.'
Cheers...
Anyway, it's easier said than to be done... v ain't gonna give up on our lifes... maybe it's better that v contribute more to the society, n look at a different prespective of life.. There're awfully many choices in life which i think v should be open about n not jz live in a 'chicken coop.'
Cheers...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)