Forgiving and Forgetting???

After a long break, I finally decided to pen something down.. Something that had been at the back of my head, buried deep down in my subconscious mind... Questions that keep popping up in my head, questions that don't have to be answered, dying to be kept beneath and yet they are still forcing me to search for an answer...

Discontented, hatred and delusion... Does it bother me right now? Honestly, I totally have no idea... Lost again...So lost... Forgiving and forgetting... Yes, I've fogave but forgetting isn't gonna work right now...

Why on earth did he not visit me when I was in hospital? Even as a good friend, he should have... His office was only 10 minutes away... I was admitted for a whole week, in much pain, agony and discomfort, and yet he wasn't even there to console me.. Not even as a friend...

I had a total of 3 needles on my right hand, one huge IV drip just below my neck, 3 (2 big and 1 small) DRAINAGES embedded into my chest (when the doctor took it out, it looked exactly like 'ALIENS TENTACLES'- huge and long) to remove 'dirty blood'; and one tube inserted in 'you know where' (to urinate)..

I couldn't move or talk much... The 15cm incision was painful... My entire neck, shoulder blades and chest was excruciating painful... It was worse that labour pain (someone had already verified it)...

And yet, why was he so cruel? Or can I look at the bright side? Maybe he was scared to see me in that shit.. Afraid of pitying me and wanting me again? Should I make this kinda remark? Should I think this way to please and comfort myself? Should I??? Lame excuses like he was busy and had no time... Do you think anyone could take this kinda stupid excuses?

For the entire one and a half months, he only visited me when I asked him to... The most he sat down was only half an hour... Do you think he should deserve a big slap? Yes? No? Is he cold-blooded? Yes? No? Or does he deserve something more than a big slap on his cheek??? Occassioanally, until today, I still suffer from stiff neck, shoulders and discomfort on my chest especially when I'm sleeping...

I forgive him.. Really.. But I will never forget what he had done.. Also, I will never ever forget something that happened 4 years ago that had a deep impact in me...Will forgive but never forget... Why? Do you think I have the chance to forget? Do you think it's possible? If anyone says 'YES', obviously I think he/she's lying... Unless if I'm suffering from amnesia...Probably it would help then...

One problem led to another... Now, someone is treating me so very nice, and it's unavoidable.. I've no idea what to do next? What should be my next step? My family, my mom and dad doesn't understand me.. They think I'm a desperado... So against my decisions... Practically, they want to decide for me although theoretically they said no.. But if I don't listen to them, they'll scold and give me a hard time...

The best way is to leave.. But don't get me wrong... I won't die.. I'm scared to die now.. I haven't accomplished anything yet.. I haven't done all the things that I wanted to do so much previously...

If I've the chance to go somewhere, it has to be quick... I can't be stuck here... I hate to feel lost and demotivated again... The only thing I can do is to study... Maybe get a Masters degree.. I want to improve myself... I want to feel good again... The opportunity is coming.. Just have to be patient and for wait another week... I can feel it.. The only thing that's holding it back is- MONEY and TIME... I don't want to spend so much of my family's savings just to pursue my interest... And I don't want them to wait for me so long to see me bearing 'good and healthy' fruits...

Leaving is the best option.. If I don't get to do it, I'll be so lost.. I'll be stuck in a huge dilemma.. I've already made huge mistakes and yet I still make the same blunder... Too impatient... Too rush.. I rush into things quite easily.. That's what my parents said.. But I don't think so... If only I had their blessings, I would definitely give myself another chance and be proud of it..

At the moment, my mom will never understand what I want.. Everyone wants it their way... But did anyone asked "WHAT I WANT???" My parents always say that they give me so much freedom to choose what I want but like I said earlier..I've to comply to them or else they'll give me a hard time...

Why CAN'T I DECIDE WHAT I WANT AND THEY CAN SUPPORT ME THROUGHOUT MY JOURNEY??? WHY DO THEY NEED TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME??? I try to be super honest with my parents and I think it's a wrong decision.. Can you imagine I'm already a grown up and yet my mom is still treating me like a 16-year old????

She's too over-protective.. Luckily I'm a person who'll fight for my rights.. Unlike my sister, she won't... And see what has happened to her now? I don't blame my mom for that.. It's just that her way of loving may not be suitable for us... Different people have different way of bringing up their children.. They think that it's the best for them but at the end, it doesn't always work that way... It may BACKFIRE... Lesson to be learnt for future parents...

Okay.. Coming back to the topic, I don't know whether to accept this nice gentleman who's currently treating me like his princess (although I don't look like one- Hahaha) whole-heartedly or how... I can't keep dragging it on like that... I need a firm decision... If I'm too firm, he'll be hurt.. I hate hurting people... I do miss him a lot...Believe me.. Love his company but I don't know whether it's alright to go on when I'm still healing...

The only answer that I have now is I know I'm unable to love him with all my heart and soul at this present moment.. I don't know what can happen in the future and I don't even dare to think about it... I'm such a bitch.. Worse than that.. A SUPER BITCH... Giving false hope to others...

Someone please knock my head and wake me up... Currently I'm still in deep sleep and I'm dreaming I'm in a roller-coaster that won't stop... Everything is happening so fast.. So fast till it seems that there's no way to stop... No escape...TRAPPED...

Anyway, I feel much much better these days.. I don't easily feel down or irritated.. Just quite demotivated.. It's like having a hangover.. Am sick today but I'll be fine the next day... I've to set a clear picture of what I want out of my life and make it happen...

Cheers~~~